日便器/剧本

梗概

冷知识

图册

剧本

在线观看

隐私环游记

日便器/剧本

深度学习

出场角色

• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Shelley Marsh
• Stan Marsh
• Rick
• The Home Depot Waitress
• Japanese Toilet Delivery Men
• Clyde Donovan
• Meagan Ridley
• Eric Cartman
• Betsy
• Jimmy Valmer
• Stephen Stotch
• Linda Stotch
• Peter Nelson
• Mrs. Tweak
• Sheila Broflovski
• Dr. Sheltair
• Butters Stotch
• Mayor McDaniels
• Harrison Yates
• Officer Johnson

剧本

日便器
	Tegridy Farms. Randy, Shelly and Stan are all sitting on the couch. Randy is playing a video game while Stan watches him, and Shelly is on her phone.
Randy	See, Stan? You gotta choose if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Stan	Yeah, can I do it?
Randy	Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys. [Sharon walks into the living room]
Sharon	Randy. [Randy doesn't respond] Randy! The powder room toilet is broken. Again!
Randy	Did you jiggle the handle?
Sharon	Yes, I jiggled the handle. Will you come fix this, please?
Randy	Okay, okay...
	The powder room. Randy walks over to the toilet to inspect it. He jiggles the handle to see if anything happens.
Randy	Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingie. What'd you do to it?
Sharon	I didn't do anything.
Randy	Lemme see if there's water in the bowl.
Sharon	No! Don't lift the lid!
Randy	Why can't I lift the lid?
Sharon	Don't, Randy!
Randy	Uh-huh... Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it.
Stan	[from the living room] Ew!
Shelly	[from the living room] Gross, Dad!
Sharon	Randy! We need to get a new toilet.
Randy	We can't just get rid of 'ol blue, Sharon.
Sharon	This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use. You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [she leaves]
Randy	Alright, alright. Sharon, you win. As usual. Poor 'ol blue...
	The Home Depot. Randy is taking a look at toilets on display. An employee approaches him.
Home Depot Employee	Can I help you with anything?
Randy	Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace Ol' Blue.
Home Depot Employee	Alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, come with full warranty. How much you looking to spend?
Randy	Well, I'm not poor. I happen to have my own weed business. So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right? [he points to a toilet]
Home Depot Employee	Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into Japanese toilets.
Randy	Japanese toilets?
Home Depot Employee	Yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class luxury models with all the bells and whistles. But you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money.
Randy	I'm not poor.
Home Depot Employee	Oh, well, we can show them to you. The Japanese toilets are right over there.
	Traditional Japanese music starts playing, as the employee directs Randy to a Japanese toilets display.
Home Depot Employee	Hi, Rick. This gentleman would like to see the Japanese toilets.
Rick	Well, of course, sir. My name is Rick. Let me know if there's anything you need.
	Inside the Japanese toilets display.
Home Depot Employee	These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, including an automatic bidet system, bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.
Randy	Seat warmers?
Home Depot Employee	Of course. And the toilet sense when you've come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you.
Waitress	Can I offer you some sparkling water or champagne?
Randy	Oh, sure, I'll take some champagne.
Home Depot Employee	All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go.
Randy	So then where do you keep the toilet paper?
Home Depot Employee	With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. The toilet washes you completely clean.
Randy	You're mad.
Home Depot Employee	No, it's true. It has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. [he hands keys to Randy] Would you like to take one for a test drive?
Randy	Oh, uh, sure. I did have kind of a big breakfast.
Home Depot Employee	Right over here.
	They both walk over to a sample Japanese toilet. Randy opens the door and walks in, with the door closing behind him. The toilet automatically lifts its lid and lights up, with welcoming music playing. Randy takes off his pants and sits on the toilet.
Randy	Oh!
	Randy starts playing around with the settings of the Japanese toilet. Water begins to run.
Randy	Whoa! Ooh. Oh, oh! Oh. Ahh! Oh, oh... [he farts]
	Randy continues to play around with the toilet's settings.
Randy	Ohh! Oh... [he flushes and makes his way out of the toilet room.] Okay, how much?
	Tegridy Farms.
Randy	Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all to think about how we're viewed as a family. You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, and we're sort of looked up to in this town because we have nice things that most families can't afford. I mean, Stan, you're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" on PS5, right?
Stan	You're playing "Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.
Randy	Yeah, my -- my point is that most people in town don't even have a PS5. They still have PS4s, and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park. And the plain fact is that well-off families have nice things, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that. [the doorbell rings] Oh! New toilet's here!
	Outside of the Marshes' front porch. Randy opens the door with excitement.
Japanese Delivery Man	Hajimemashite. Japanese Torei des!
Randy	Uh, yes, thank you. Bring it on in.
	Several delivery men start making their way inside of the house, carrying the toilet.
Delivery men	Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!
Sharon	That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?
Randy	Oh, Sharon. Tennish.
Sharon	What's "tennish?"
Randy	Tennish. Thousandish. Ten Thousandish.
Sharon	You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!
Randy	Yeah, we do. [a Japanese delivery man makes his way out and bows]
Japanese Delivery Man	Shitsurei Shimasu! Owarimashita.
Randy	Okay, yeah, right here? [he signs a document] Okay.
Japanese Delivery Man	Doomo! Aringanto gozaimashita!
Delivery Men	Aringanto gozaimashita!
Randy	'Kay, thanks.
	The powder room. Randy takes his family to see the newly-installed Japanese toilet.
Sharon	You are taking that back to the store.
Randy	Try it, Sharon.
Sharon	I don't need to, Randy. I want --
Randy	Try it, Sharon!
	Randy pushes Sharon and closes the powder room door, leaving her all alone inside. Music starts playing. Sharon starts pressing buttons on the toilet.
Sharon	Oh. Oh... [she presses a button] Oh! Ohhh!
Randy	Ah-ha-ha!
Stan	I wanna try it.
Randy	Shhh!
Sharon	[she presses another button] Ah-ho-ho!
Randy	Ohhh!
	South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Stan walks in the hallways.
Clyde	Oh, look, there he goes. It's Mr. Big Shot.
	Stan hears Clyde's comment and turns around, confused by it.
A girl	Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar for lunch today, Richie Rich?
	Stan stops walking, being confronted by Cartman, Scott and Douglas.
Cartman	Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.
Stan	About what?
Cartman	Come on, guys! [he walks away with the other boys]
Betsy	Did you know some people can't even afford to eat? How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?
Stan	What the fuck?
Jimmy	Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful.
Stan	Of what?
Jimmy	Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it.
Stan	Dude, I haven't even said anything!
Jimmy	Well, your dad called everyone last night and told you have a $10,000 toilet.
Stan	What?!
	Tegridy Farms. The house's dining area. Many of the adults have gathered to have brunch with the Marshes.
Stephen	Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy.
Linda	Yeah, what's the special occassion?
Randy	Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends. Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?
Stephen	Uh, no, I'm -- I'm good.
Randy	Oh, maybe some more coffee, then. [he pours coffee on Stephen's cup.]
Mrs. Tweak	Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten?
Peter	Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought.
Randy	Let's hope so. Does anyone need a bathroom break?
Stephen	Well, actually, I-I think I could use the restroom. That was kind of a big breakfast.
Randy	Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! It's, uh -- It's right across the hallway. Right there.
Stephen	Excuse me. [he makes his way to the powder room]
	Randy happily sips his drink, while pleasant music plays in the powder room.
Stephen	Oh.
Richard	What was that?
Randy	Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet.
Sheila	I've heard of those. Aren't they expensive?
Randy	Yeah, a bit. But for those of us who can afford it, it's well worth it.
Richard	[presses a button] Oh! Ohhh! Ohhhhh!
Randy	He's now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water.
Richard	Oh, ohhhh!
Randy	Ah! That's the front washer that washes your balls, or vagina.
Richard	[farts]
Randy	If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean your half as well as pressurized water. I feel that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? Heck, I don't know, but you know -- [Stan barges in]
Stan	Dad, can I talk to you?!
Randy	Stan? You're back from school already?
Stan	I need to talk to you right now!
	Randy's office. Stan closes the door angrily.
Stan	The fuck are you doing?!
Randy	The fuck are you doing?
Stan	You need to stop gloating to everybody!
Randy	I am not gloating.
Stan	Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich!
Randy	They are?
Stan	Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk.
Randy	You're stupid. I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!
Stan	How are you trying to help people, Dad?
Randy	Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.
Stan	You are not like JFK! You're just showing off!
Randy	Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! You're part of a very respected family, Stan. You should start acting like it. [he walks out of the room] Okay, who's next?
	Tegridy Farms. Pleasant music plays, as Randy is in the bathroom, singing along to the music.
	Atashi wa Heia des-u...
	Sharon walks up to the door.
Randy	Toire ni iru kara...
Sharon	[knocking on the door] Randy?
Randy	Kimochi...
Sharon	Randy!
Randy	What?!
Sharon	Your proctologist is here to see you.
Randy	My protcologist?
	The living room. A protctologist is waiting for Randy. Randy walks up to him.
Randy	Oh, hey there, Doc.
Dr. Sheltair	Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?
Randy	I'm doing great. How are you?
Dr. Sheltair	Wonderful! Just been super busy. I'm actually takin' the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow.
Randy	Tuscany? Wow. Awesome.
Dr. Sheltair	Yeah, well, Randy you haven't been in my office for a few days, so I thought I'd come do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids.
Randy	Oh! No, Doctor. I haven't needed to come to your office. In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
Dr. Sheltair	Oh -- Oh, really?
Randy	It's completely changed my life. I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper.
Dr. Sheltair	Huh...
Randy	Here, here. You wanna come see it?!
	Randy guides Dr. Sheltair to the powder room.
Randy	Go on, check it out. [opens the door]
	Dr. Sheltair walks into the powder room and Randy closes the door. He leans in to listen. The doctor can be heard shouting and banging on the toilet.
Randy	D-Dr. Sheltair?
	The banging and shouting continues. Randy gets worried.
Randy	Dr. Sheltair?!
	Randy enters the powder room. Dr. Sheltair is seen banging and shouting at the toilet.
Dr. Sheltair	You stupid!
Randy	Whoa hey hey hey!
Dr. Sheltair	You ruined Tuscany! Gah! [he kicks the toilet around]
Randy	Stop it! [he grabs Dr. Sheltair, trying to stop him]
Dr. Sheltair	I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!!!
	Outside of the Marshes' house. Randy kicks Dr. Sheltair out, sending him flying.
Randy	Go on! Get out of here!
Dr. Sheltair	How am I supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!
Randy	I never realized you made so much money off my ass. Go on! Get! Get!! [Dr. Sheltair runs off]
	South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings and all the kids begin heading out. Stan makes his way out until Butters calls him.
Butters	Hey, Stan! Stan hold up!
Stan	What?
Butters	Well, um, you're just a really good friend, Stan, and -- and I was gonna ask if maybe I could borrow your plungercost?
Stan	What's a plungercost?
Butters	It doesn't cost nothing when your toilet's nice as yours, Richie Rich! [he laughs, with the other kids joining in as well] I did it! I called Stan Richie Rich, too! That was fun! [he walks away]
Jimmy	Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet.
Stan	I'm not bragging about my toilet! And why is it such a big deal anyway?
Jimmy	It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why.
	Jimmy and Stan walk around the town's park.
Jimmy	Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds... but for some reason when it comes to wiping our ass, we're told to do it with this little piece of paper. We are all -- all of us -- walking around right now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes. [he stops walking] Did you know that 70% of people in the world don't even use it at all?
Stan	70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper?
Jimmy	Look it up. Most people in the world still use good 'ol soap and water.
	Footage of toilet paper manufacturing plays in the background as Jimmy explains.
Jimmy	The average American uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year. Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is? To supply the United States its toilet paper, it takes 31.1 million trees per year. A million acres per year of precious Canadian Boreal forest alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2 and leveling 90% of the land barren.
	The montage ends.
Stan	So, then, why do Americans use it so much?
Jimmy	Well, that's the big question, isn't it? None of it makes any sense.
Stan	Well, then, maybe somebody --
Jimmy	Just tell your dad to stop. Americans don't want to change their toilets and they never will.
	Outside of the Town Hall. Mayor McDaniels is at a podium.
Mayor McDaniels	Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement. One of our citizens has asked to speak with you. Please welcome Randy S. Marsh.
	Randy and Sharon walk up to the stage. Randy shakes the mayor's hand and walks up to the podium, ready to give his speech.
Randy	Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone. You know, the Marshes are a family that try to always lead by example. And we know that all of you appreciate that. Everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be. You might not be the Marshes, but you can afford a Japanese toilet. Just not a really nice one like what we have. If you take into account the money we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream, a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years. There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners. Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower cost of shitty Japanese toilets that anyone can afford. There's even these like attachment thingies for your existing toilet which will make you feel like a Marsh yourself. They may not be "Nihon No style-ru", but they are good enough for you guys. The point is -- even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore! And, so, I am suggesting that this town puts all --
	All of a sudden, a distant gunshot hits Randy on the arm, knocking him out unconscious. Everyone around the podium is left in shock.
Man	Holy shit!
Sharon	Randy?! [she screams]
	The audience runs away screaming.
	Hell's Pass Hospital. The Marshes sit on the Emergency Room waiting for an update on Randy. A doctor approaches them.
Doctor	I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.
Sharon	Who shot him?
Doctor	Nobody knows.
Stan	Is he gonna be okay?
Doctor	He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.
	Randy is seen on a hospital bed, in a coma and blabbering to himself.
Randy	[weakly] Bikkuri... Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...
Doctor	Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here. Your wife, your daughter, and your son.
Randy	T-Toire Wa...?
Doctor	No, your toilet is back at the farm.
Randy	Taihen ja naaaa...
Stan	Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before. I didn't know you were really trying to help.
Randy	Kon-nichi waaa...
Sharon	Stan, where are you going?
Stan	I let Dad down once. Somebody has to pick up where he left off. [he walks out]
	Park County Police Station.
Harris	I promise we're doing all we can. I'm sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals.
Stan	There's something more going on here. I think my dad was on to something and I didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital.
Harris	We've already got a few leads and we're following up on all of them. I assure you we take this all very seriously. This isn't a joke to us.
Officer	Chief, hey, Chief!
Harris	Yeah?
Officer	An angry proctologist walked in to the toilet section of Home Depot.
Harris	[he chuckles] Y-Yeah?
Officer	Proctologist says to the toilet manager, "I ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun on six Japanese delivery men.
Harris	[chuckling some more] Okay.
Officer	So, then, the six Japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has everyone held hostage and says he's not taking the fall for the Randy Marsh shooting.
Harris	Oh, shit, this is actually happening?! Come on people, let's go!
	The Home Depot. Police has the outside surrounded. Inside, Dr. Sheltair has everyone held hostage. Everyone has their hands up as the doctor wields a gun.
Dr. Sheltair	I ain't going down for this! You got that, coppers?! I didn't shoot anybody! But if I'm going down, I'll take these careless bastards out with me!
Waitress	Would you like some sparkling water or cham--
Dr. Sheltair	Get -- Get outta here! [he pushes the waitress]
Harris	[with a megaphone] Come on out. There's no other way, we have you surrounded.
Dr. Sheltair	I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!
Japanese Delivery Man	Taihen!
Harris	Nobody's saying you did!
Dr. Sheltair	No, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat! They'll fix things like they always do!
Stan	Who will?
Dr. Sheltair	They'll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away! Just like they did back when that second grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about toilets two years ago. They'll take me out too! There's no stopping them.
Harris	Don't do it!
	Dr. Sheltair shoots himself in the rear, falling to the floor and dying instantly.
Japanese Delivery Man	Sabishiiiii!!
Harris	Aww! Alright, move in! Secure the area.
Stan	Second grade kid two years ago... Wrote about toilets in the school news paper.
	The park. Jimmy is walking around until Stan approaches him.
Stan	You weren't warning me about people getting upset. You know more about this.
	Jimmy stops walking. A brief second passes, until he starts to leave in a hurry.
Stan	Hey! [he catches up to Jimmy] You wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you.
Jimmy	Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!
Stan	Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad!
Jimmy	They took everything from me, Stan! My bike... my cat... They were gonna sue my parents for what I wrote in the school paper.
Stan	You're talking about the toilet paper companies.
Jimmy	Who has the most to lose? It's all toilet paper, Stan! Follow the money!
	Another montage of toilet paper manufacturing plays as Jimmy rambles on. Video footage of Randy's speech also plays.
Jimmy	140 rolls per American per year. Factories pushing out roll after roll while razing Earth's resources. All of this for an unsanitary product that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures.
	Jimmy and Stan sit down on a park bench. The montage continues playing in the background.
Jimmy	Don't you get it, man? Paper doesn't clean bacteria. It can't kill viruses. With all that information, you'd think the world health organization would do studies to find alternatives. So why don't they? Because toilet paper is an industry worth billions and b-billions of dollars. Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific, Procter & Gamble. They don't want Japanese toilets in America and they have the power to stop them, and to stop you.
Stan	I can't believe they shot my dad... because he wanted to change things.
Jimmy	These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. They can destroy everything you love, Stan. Take my advice... Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.
Stan	You might be too scared Jimmy, but I'm a Marsh. [he leaves]
	Outside of City Hall. All of South Park has gathered to hear Stan's speech.
Stan	My fellow Americans, we have been coerced and brain washed. While the rest of the world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper sold to us by billion-dollar corporations.
Man 1	Yeah.
Man 2	Hey, yeah, he's right!
Stan	My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives. But they don't want him talking about alternatives.
Crowd	Yeah!!
Stan	And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore. And as a town, we will find alternatives, and we will not be afraid to -- [Randy walks up to the podium, interrupting Stan mid-sentence]
Randy	Stop! Stop! We're not doing this!
Stan	Dad!
Randy	Everyone just stop, we're not doing this. [muffled] Thank you. South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. I was totally wrong and I want to apologize.
Stan	No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all the --
Randy	Yeah, I know. [muffled] Yeah, so, uh, we-we have nothing against toilet paper. It's a great product, and uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. Thanks, though. We'll see ya later.
Stan	Dad, we can't just back down.
Randy	Bro! I got fucking shot! [muffled] Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, I think all of South Park would like to apologize. [he turns around to face the audience.] We retract what we said about toilet paper companies. They -- They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. [muffled again] South Park -- everyone -- say you're sorry.
Crowd	We're sorry.
Randy	Okay, great. Come on, guys, let's go home.
Stan	What about helping people and leading by example?
Randy	We're not the goddamn Kennedys, Stan. Stop being an idiot.
	Tegridy Farms. Randy buries out his Ol' Blue toilet from a graveyard and installs it back up in the powder room.
Randy	Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue. You know, guys, I'm not actually not that sad. Having a Japanese toilet was great, but... I've come to realize that when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. So, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. Love you forever, honey. [he kisses Sharon on the cheek]
日便器 结束