出场角色[]
- PC Principal
- Strong Woman
- Mr. Mackey
- Heather Conduct
- Kyle Broflovski
- Terrance and Phillip
- Eric Cartman
- Heidi Turner
- Stan Marsh
- Butters Stotch
- Craig Tucker
- Tweek Tweak
- Wendy Testaburger
- Richard Adler
- Michael Jackson
- Canadian Mexican
- Canadian Girl Scout
剧本[]
| 政正难题 | |
| Netflix headquarters, day. The President of Netflix is talking to some prospects. | |
| Welcome to Netflix. [smiles] Last year we approved 16 original shows and movies; and this year, it is our goal to make that number 1,087. That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance & Phillip. [Terrance & Phillip are shown, now as elderly gentlemen. Terrance raises his left leg slowly and lets out a wet fart. The president laughs and claps] Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Classic stuff. Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series. | |
| Well, we were thinkin' that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm... with a cow. | |
| [still enthused] Okay, I love it so far. | |
| [slowly] The sun is just starting to come up and then... I fart on Phillip. | |
| [slowly] And I say, "Terrance, you farted," and I fart on Terrance. | |
| And it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a-? | |
| [slowly] It's like a back and forth kind of thing. I fart on him, he farts on... | |
| On you. Got it! | |
| No! On the cow. [they both laugh] | |
| Welcome to Netflix, you sons of bitches. YEAH! | |
| Hooray! | |
| South Park Elementary, day. The kids are at their lockers switching out books. Other kids run by, causing a commotion. Craig and Tweek run by Stan holding hands. | |
| Come on, Tweek. Hurry! | |
| What's going on? | |
| [running by] Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again. [Stan closes his locker door and joins the others. They get to the actual fight, where Heidi throws punches at Cartman] | |
| Oh. Uh. Oh. Ugh! Goddamn! [he punches her once] Oh. Sweetheart! | |
| Piece of shit! [punches him four times, he grunts as he gets hit] | |
| Honey, I wanna watch Terrance & Phillip with my friends! | |
| You promised we'd have a date night! [punches him twice] | |
| It's just one night, babe. Stan is having a viewing party, honey. [punches her once] | |
| So then why can't I come? | |
| Terrance & Phillip is a guys' night thing, baby. | |
| [arrives to separate them] Uh, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing? | |
| Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked! | |
| Fuck you, Wendy! | |
| Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it! | |
| Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long. Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? [a moment of reflection around the crowd] | |
| Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom. [everyone laughs] | |
| Th- that was awesome, baby. I love you. [reaches out and takes her hand] | |
| I love you too, babe. | |
| Awww. [disappointed, everyone disperses] | |
| Dammit. | |
| Fight's over. Kyle ruined it. [Kyle is left all alone in the hallway] | |
| The school gym, assembly. PC Principal addresses the kids. | |
| Alright everyone, listen up. As you know, there's been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school. To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of s a strong woman. So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all. And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [claps, then hands the mic to her as she walks up] | |
| Thank you, PC Principal. Alright everyone, listen up. I'm the new vice principal of this school. My name is Strong Woman. I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing and we definitely have things we can all be working on. [at this point, Butters is whispering something in Clyde's ear] | |
| [snatches the mic from Strong Woman's hand] Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking! | |
| You really think I couldn't have handled that? Myself? | |
| Oh. Uh, I was just making sure everything was uh- | |
| You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that? | |
| Shit. I mean, no, sorry, sorry, I'm not u-, uh, here you go. [hands the mic back to her] | |
| I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything, but I also want the boys to know what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody. [walks forward a bit] Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone. | |
| From everyone! | |
| [glances back at him] Sorry, am I not doing this correctly? | |
| No. NO! Sorry, I thought I'd... add, just add for emphasis. | |
| You felt it wasn't strong enough? Me just saying it? | |
| No-I, I'm... Uh, I'm sorry. | |
| [sighs, turns back to students] I'm looking forward to being your vice principal, and I'm looking forward to turning this school around. | |
| [moves up] Alright, now if we have any q- | |
| I'm not finished! | |
| [backs up] Right, right, uh, I'm sorry. Every- pay attention everybody! | |
| The Terrance & Phillip Show. As the announcers speak, the logos come up. | |
| It's the Terrance & Phillip Sho-o-ow. | |
| On Netflix. [the camera pans down to the duo. Terrance holds a pitchfork] | |
| Hey Terrance, what did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest? | |
| I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip climbs up a three-step ladder, turns around, and farts on Terrance. They laugh at each other. The kids watching at Stan's living room laugh at them, but Kyle looks rather disinterested. The doorbell rings] | |
| Come in! | |
| [walks in with Heidi] Did we miss it? | |
| It's just starting. | |
| Oh look, honey. Kyle's mom is here. Shouldn't you be at temple, Ms. Broflovski? [Kyle is shocked as the others laugh] | |
| [walks into view] Hola. Would you like to buy some chimichangas? | |
| Si, mi amigo. [climbs onto the hay bale next to him as Phillip goes up the stepladder] Here, I'll give you two pesos. [he and Phillip take turns farting on the vendor. The kids in Stan's living room laugh] | |
| Dude, that's awesome. | |
| [notices Kyle isn't laughing] What, what's wrong, dude. | |
| For the first time I feel kind of bad for the person being farted on. | |
| Uf, Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys. Better shut it off. [everyone laughs] | |
| Baby, I fuckin' love you so much. | |
| South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting. | |
| Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around] | |
| Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good? | |
| Uhm'kay. | |
| So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds] | |
| Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly? | |
| Yeah, yeah, I hear it. | |
| [rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere. | |
| E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him] | |
| The playground, recess. Kyle is on his iPhone lookiing at YouTube videos of Terrance & Phillip over the years. First is a teen Terrance farting on Cher on the Soony & Cher Show, then a teen Phillip farts and sits on Sonny. Next is a video of Terrance & Phillip farting on a deer, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her dog, then one of Terrance farting on a News Canada reporter, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her baby. A song comes up, reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror". | |
| Therefore what God hath joined together let no man [Terrance farts on the preacher] Oh! [the duo laugh. Kyle just gets off the merry-go-round and walks off campus. He walks onto a small stone bridge, where he looks at his reflection on the water below. He then leaves the bridge and goes home to look at his reflection on full-length mirror in his room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it up] | |
| That's it. That's it, Kyle. [Kyle takes off his Terrance & Phillip T-shirt and puts it away is his trash can, then goes to his dresser to pull out a baby blue shirt and puts it on. He then goes to the vanity mirror, takes off his hat, and gives himself a haircut] No more. No more of them doody jokes. [he leaves the bathroom and goes back to the mirror in his room] No more watching cartoons of people, people having go doody. [he checks himself out on the mirror] And poo-pooing on each other's heads. [he puts on his jacket and hat back on] It's not funny anymore, it is, Kyle? [he checks himself out once more] | |
| Dr. Gauche's office, day. PC Principal has gone in to have his hearing checked. Hootie & The Blowfish is still in his head. The doctor walks in. | |
| Hello there, misterr... Principal, is it? | |
| That's right, I'm PC Principal. | |
| Hm what's bringing you in today? | |
| I'm uh... having this problem with my ears. There's like a persistent kind of ahh ringing going on. | |
| [checking the right ear canal with a scope] O-kay, can you describe the ringing? | |
| It's um, Hootie & The Blowfish. | |
| You're hearing a song? [walks to the other side to check out the left eat canal] | |
| Yeah, uh, ahem, there's a new woman that has joined our faculty. Her name is Strong Woman, and uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears. | |
| So maybe you're having some feelings for her. | |
| No, that couldn't be it. We work in the same place, so it would be impossible for me to like her. I'm thinking there's some sort of device in my ears. | |
| Well, I looked, and Hootie & The Blowfish aren't in your ears. I believe you're hearing them in your mind and your heart. | |
| Oh, dude. Bro. | |
| Vice Principal Strong Woman's office, day. Kyle stands outsdie the office door. To one side are "What is Gender" pamphlets for boys and girls separately. Kyle knocks on the door. | |
| You may enter. [Kyle walks in and sees her putting her books in order] | |
| Vice Principal Woman? | |
| Yes? [sits at her desk] What can I do for you? | |
| My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately. I came because I might be able to offer some... insight into our problem here. | |
| Please, by all means. | |
| You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now that it comes from a Canadian TV show. All the boys watch it. I did too. We all laughed while they... farted... on innocent people's heads. The thing is, I never felt for the person being farted on. Until now. I want to work with you to open people's eyes, because I get it now. | |
| [not following] You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? | |
| What? | |
| I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger at our own shortcomings. | |
| But, but I thought for sure YOU would be on my side. | |
| Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually. | |
| What?? D'oh, forget it! [turns around and walks out] | |
| The school hallways. Kyle walks by himself as other kids are at their lockers. Cartman's voice is heard is heard over the PA system. | |
| May I have your attention please? Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Thank you. [begins to laugh. The kids around Kyle begin to laugh as well] | |
| [over the PA system] Come on, we've gotta get out of here. | |
| Rrrrr! | |
| PC Principal's office, later. PC Principal tries to block out "Hold My Hand" from his ears, but it only gets louder. His office door opens. | |
| You wanted to see me, PC Principal? | |
| Uh YES. Yes, Mackey, um, I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman. | |
| Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, ukay, the kids really respect her. | |
| Do you know, uh, [begins to fumble on his words] Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend? | |
| What?? | |
| No-nothing. Just forget it. [leaves his desk and walks towards the door] | |
| Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Askin' if a coworker is available in today's times?! | |
| I just wanted to know because she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, alright? | |
| Oh boy, this is bad! This is real bad! | |
| [turns around] I don't know how it happened. I know it's inappropriate and yet I can't stop thinking about her. I think I'm... sick. | |
| Look, this is real fucking fire you're dealing with, uhkay?! I'm gonna get someone down here from HR! | |
| HR? Is that like... Hootie Removal? | |
| No! Human resources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level! We gotta get you back on track! | |
| Special Report. | |
| Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called "Millennials Against Canada" thinks so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski. | |
| Thanks for having me, Tom. | |
| Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems. | |
| All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now. | |
| To respond to this we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming. | |
| Thanks for having me, buddeh. | |
| Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials? | |
| Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us. | |
| I'm saying we're all guilty too. I grew up watching Terrance & Phillip, and I thought it was funny. | |
| So you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny? | |
| No, it was never funny. I see it differently now. | |
| Oh, so you want to censor it. | |
| We don't wanna censor it, we just wanna... get rid of it. | |
| Uh huh, you sound like a Jewish mother. | |
| Oh, see? That's what I'm talking about, right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash! | |
| Now I resent that! I find that racist- | |
| Canadians should care about the rest of the world! | |
| You are a racist, fwiend, and if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should speak to your backwards President! | |
| Maybe I will! | |
| 'Kay, go ahead! | |
| Maybe I know the President! | |
| Oh, sure you do! Just like all Jewish moms, 'cause you don't understand how- | |
| Stop calling me that! | |
| Can I finish?! | |
| That's all you know is how to be mean- | |
| That's not a- Can I finish, please?! | |
| Because you were all raised on it yourselves! | |
| Please, can I finish?! [a few seconds of silence] Alright, I'm finished. | |
| South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting. | |
| Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you know, we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees. Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the Devil to act upon them. So we've been reaching out to Human Resources division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct. She has some great advice for us, so please welcome Heather Conduct. Go ahead, Miss Conduct. | |
| Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct. I'm hear to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school. M'alright? | |
| [smiles] Uh m'kay. | |
| M'alright. Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a coworker? [Strong Woman raises her hand. PC Principal is surprised] | |
| The Terrance & Phillip Show, guest-starring a Canadian Girl Scout selling cookies. | |
| Well hello there, little girl. | |
| Are you selling Girl Scout cookies? | |
| Well yes I am. How about a Snickerdoodle? | |
| Alright, you asked for it. [raises his right leg up high slowly and farts on the girl. The duo laugh] Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants. | |
| [runs into view blowing a referee whistle] Alright! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! [the show's crew is stunned, and adult members of Millennials Against Canada come in and confiscate the equipment] We are Millennials Against Canada. We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped! | |
| Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again. | |
| Breaking News. | |
| More and more millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment. The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the President of the United States. | |
| [walks up to Kyle with a ringing cell phone] Here you go. Call is coming in on your phone. | |
| Good. Give it here. [receives it and answers] Yes, hello? This is the leader of Millennials Against Canada. | |
| [calling from his living room] Kyle, what the fuck are you doing? [Everyone present at the viewing party is there again, except Kyle] | |
| Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something. I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism! | |
| Okay, dude. I didn't wanna have to say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom. | |
| I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good! | |
| [runs up and takes the phone from Stan] Kyle! Kyle! Don't do this, man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die! | |
| South Park Elementary faculty room, day. Miss Conduct holds the floor. | |
| M'alright, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role-playing, m'alright? Talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace. Can I, can I get a volunteer to role-play with me? M'alright? [looks towards Mackey] How about you, Mr. uh... | |
| Mr. Mackey. | |
| M'alright, come on up here. [he joins her] M'alright now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal mornin' before work, and we're startin' the day. [shakes hand] Oh, Mr. Mackey. Good mornin'! | |
| [a bit awkward] Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct. | |
| Now, did you have a nice night? | |
| Yeah, yeah it was good. | |
| M'alright. Okay. Uh good luck today, and I hope that our workin' relationship can continue to be honest and straightforward. | |
| Oh, ah I'm very open and honest, I promise you that. | |
| I can see that. You got very honest eyes, m'alright. [turns to the rest of the faculty] M'alright, I probably shouldn't have said "You have honest eyes", m'alright. That's a big crossin' the line, commentin' on his physical attributes, m'alright? That's bad. I'm gonna stick to just talkin' about work only, m'alright? [back to Mr. Mackey] So, uh, Mr. Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students? | |
| Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon. | |
| Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college. | |
| Are you serious? Nobody I talked to has ever even heard of him! | |
| No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work? | |
| Well it's just such a na-natural approach, m'kay? | |
| M'alright, m'alright. | |
| When I read it, you know, first I was like "whoa, okay!" | |
| M'alright. | |
| "This just really makes sense", you know? | |
| [giggles] Well, m'alright. | |
| Mmmm'kay | |
| M'alright. [they smile at each other] | |
| Washington, D.C., day. The Minister of Streaming rides into town with four bodyguards and pull up to the White House. The minister walks into the Oval Office with two of his guards. | |
| Mr. President! You need to do something about your millennials! | |
| [plucking with his eyebrows] What do you want me to do? | |
| Terrance & Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us! | |
| Look, I'm President of the United States. I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third-world country. | |
| Third-world country?! [steps forward] How dare you! Canada is second-world at least! [reaches the desk] Now you listen here, Mr. Buddeh! Either you stop the embargo on The Terrance & Phillip Show, or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves! | |
| Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck? | |
| I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself! | |
| Then I guess both our countries better be prepared. | |
| The faculty room, continuing. Mr. Mackey and Miss Conduct are now sitting on folding chairs enjoying their conversation, holding cups of coffee in their hands, crossing their right legs over their left ones. | |
| And then, you know, I was-I was looking to get away from the city. [uncrosses his legs] I've never really been a city person. | |
| M'alright, m'alright, I definitely get that, m'alright. | |
| [crosses his legs again] I like hikin' around, bein' around in nature, m'kay. | |
| No, I agree, I agree, the city's bad. I love hikin' too. What are some of your favorite places? | |
| Well, you know, Mt. Evens is always nice. | |
| [chuckles] M'alright, m'alright. [they uncross their legs as a siren sounds] | |
| What the hell is that? | |
| [checks his phone] There's some kind of... military alert going out. | |
| [stands up and looks out the window] All right, military alert, everyone! Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium! Come on, let's move! | |
| The Terrance & Phillip Show set, day. There's a break in taping, since no one is moving. Helicopters are heard in the distance, police sirens are heard arriving. | |
| [looks out a window] It's the National Guard. | |
| The National Guard? | |
| It's the President. He wants to talk to you. [hands him the phone] | |
| Yes. This is Millennials Against Canada. | |
| Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits. | |
| We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right. | |
| What exactly do you want? | |
| What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth! | |
| Jeez, I got a little chub. | |
| South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Students run towards the gym as PC Principal and Strong Woman round them up and herd them there. | |
| Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now! | |
| You heard her! Move it, people! [more students run towards the gym. As the last of them runs by, he turns around] I have to make sure all the classes are empty. You go take cover with the kids. | |
| I'm coming too. I'm your vice principal. | |
| Alright, come on! [they reach the faculty room] Oh no. | |
| What's wrong? | |
| Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something. | |
| Okay? | |
| This is very difficult, but, uh... | |
| What? What? | |
| [clears his throat] Well, as you can see, there's a door in front of us. | |
| Yes, there is. | |
| I would like to open this door for you. However, I understand the gender-based biases this can imply. | |
| Why do you need to open the door? | |
| I don't need to open the door. I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for Counselor Mackey, a student, anyone else. | |
| Somebody's gonna have to open the door, or we could die out here. | |
| A second or two later, and they both reach for the doorknob. Her right hand gets there first and he wraps his left hand around her wright hand. They look at each other as "Hold My Hand" plays again. The kids are now in the gym with their teachers and other faculty. The President opens a briefcase and takes out a key with which to activate the suitcase. He puts the key in the lock and turns it, triggering a green light, and types in the numerical code that will launch a bomb onto Canada. Sometime later, a bomb falls onto Toronto, Canada, and blows it up, sending up hundreds of Canadians to their deaths. PC Principal takes off his glasses and he and Strong Woman gaze into each other's eyes. More Canadian bodies fly around. At the Terrance & Phillip show set, Kyle walks up to a TV showing the destruction the President has unleashed and is horrified by it. The last scene is PC Principal and Strong Woman gazing into each other's eyes, their hands no longer on the doorknob.
| |
| 政正难题 结束 | |