恋鸡狂/剧本

梗概

冷知识

图册

剧本

在线观看

艾克的小弟弟

恋鸡狂/剧本

连体婴儿症

出场角色

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Kevin McCormick
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Randy Marsh
• Booktastic Bus Driver
• Officer Barbrady
• COPS television crew
• Rancher
• Mayor McDaniels
• Ted
• Johnson
• Reporters
• Halfy
• Stuart McCormick
• Mrs. McCormick

剧本

恋鸡狂
	South Park Elementary, out front. Garrison and the class stand next to a colorful bus.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic bus.
Cartman	[To Kyle.] Reading sucks ass.
Mr. Garrison	Eric, shut up! [Eric looks up.]
	Inside the bus. The kids mill around and start browsing.
Kyle	Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.
Stan	[At the next stack.] Hey you guys. Check out these books. [They come over.] Sabrina Unchained.
Kyle	Wow, these books look cool!
	Cartman smiles. They look at romance novels. Kyle takes "Seduction", Kenny takes "Bound to Love", Cartman takes "Body to Body".
Cartman	Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
Kenny	(There's a lot of fuckin' vaginas and penises.)
Bus Driver	[Stops by.] Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
	He is wearing a blue suit, with rainbow shirt and cape.
Kyle	Who are you?
Bus Driver	I drive the Booktastic bus, where magic begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver, all by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic of reading.
Cartman	[Irritated.] God, shut up, dude.
Bus Driver	Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in. Give in to the magic. [He floats away.]
Stan	[To Kyle.] If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?
Kyle	Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical.
	Kyle tosses his book away.
Cartman	I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling looking at these.
	A man and woman are kissing on the cover of his chosen book. Off in the distance a chicken clucks and a woman shrieks.
Kenny	(Hey, what's that?)
Stan	I don't know. Let's go see.
	They drop their books and exit the bus. Cartman is glued to his.
	Here's a show within a show: an episode of COPS shown in real time along with South Park.
Officer Barbrady	Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong.
Dispatcher 1	[Through intercom.] All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation.
	Officer Barbrady puts his siren light up on the dashboard.
Officer Barbrady	There, you see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This ain't no Podunk little town!
Dispatcher	And, Barbrady, your wife called. She wants you to get some pizza on the way home.
Officer Barbrady	Goddammit!
	A crowd has gathered at the site of the incident, across the street from the school. The boys are there, front and center. Officer Barbrady pulls up with the COPS film crew, and his siren light is now on the car roof.
Officer Barbrady	Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here. [To the rancher.] What's the trouble? Where's the body?
Rancher	Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens.
	Barbrady says nothing as the crew films him for a long pause.
Officer Barbrady	Uhhhh... oh.
	The chicken doesn't seem traumatized one bit.
Woman	My God, that's disgusting!
Stan	Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?
Officer Barbrady	Uhh, boys, you move along. This isn't for young eyes to see. [To the rancher.] Did you get a good look at the suspect?
Rancher	Naw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast.
Officer Barbrady	Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?
Cameraman	Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond.
	The crew leaves.
Officer Barbrady	Haw, camel poo.
Stan	Hey, what's this?
	Stan picks up a sheet of paper.
Kyle	It looks like a note.
Officer Barbrady	Give me that! [Takes the note.] That's a clue, and you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!
Rancher	[Coming over.] What does it say?
	The note reads: Another chicken gets it tomorrow!
Officer Barbrady	Uhh... It says, uuh, "Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye-bye." Well, there you have it. Case closed.
Rancher	Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say "Nothin' to see here", and "Case closed." But we want justice. We have to find this sicko!
Officer Barbrady	I said, return to your homes before I start arresting people.
Rancher	For what? Orderly conduct?
Officer Barbrady	How about fishing without a license?
Rancher	I'm not fishin'.
Officer Barbrady	Whataya call this then?
	He pulls a fishing rod out from somewhere.
Officer Barbrady	If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you... [Pulls out his gun.] by gunshot to the head.
	The crowd quickly disperses, the boys remain.
Officer Barbrady	That's right, return to your simple lives. [Puts his gun away] Just forget this ever happened. Forget.
	He moves off, leaving the boys with the chicken.
Officer Barbrady	For-get.
Kyle	Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird.
Stan	Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.
	The patrol car. Barbrady gets in and looks at the note again. The letters become unintelligible symbols. He starts up the car and throws the note away. He stops at a stop sign, and its letters turn into Korean symbols. He drives on and ends up at Fran's.
Teller	Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?
	The letters in the board above the speaker are jumbled as they are, but they start whirling around, and Barbrady is speechless.
Teller	Sir, can I help you?
	The letters A, C, K, R, and U stop whirling and start laughing at him.
Officer Barbrady	Uhhh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeño poppers.
Teller	Sure, there's just one problem.
Officer Barbrady	What's that?
Teller	We're a bank.
	The board is back to normal.
Officer Barbrady	I know that, smarty-pants! What do you think, I'm some kinda idiot?
Teller	Yes.
Officer Barbrady	Hmmm. [Drives away.] I can't go on living this lie!
	Channel 4 Breaking News.
Anchor	With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions.
Reporter 1	Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?
Officer Barbrady	Well, nobody can say for sure; uh, no motive has yet been established.
Reporter 2	Do the police have any leads?
Officer Barbrady	Well, both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet.
Reporter 3	But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime?
Officer Barbrady	All right, all right! I can't read!
	The room falls silent and the reporter sits down.
Officer Barbrady	There, I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!
	He removes his badge and leaves the room.
Press Coordinator	Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies out front.
Anchor	And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage without any police force for a while--
	A note wrapped around a brick crashes onto the anchor desk and the anchor gets the note.
Anchor	This just in! South Park is plunged into total anarchy!
	A camera pans across the rioting.
Anchor	Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town!
	A man comes and takes away the symbol in the inset. Another man takes the 4.
	On the street, two men use a third as a battering ram and throw him into the electronics store through the big display window. He gets up and helps the other two take the big-screen TV away. Several people have looted beer and drink as fast as they can. A red car crashes into a yellow building. Here and there people are screaming.
Looter 1	Whoopee, this is killer!
Looter 2	With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
	The boys are at a corner when someone runs by with a boom box. Kenny is closest to the corner.
Kyle	Whoa, dude, what's going on?
Stan	I don't know.
	Next to Kenny, two people are trying to turn car over, and...
Stan	Oh my God, they've killed--
	Kenny opens the door and steps out, dusting himself off.
Stan	Oh, never mind.
	The Mayor is watching all this from her office. Automatic weapons fire is heard as a woman screams, but the street before her window is clear of any commotion.
Mayor McDaniels	I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful.
Aide 1	Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
Mayor McDaniels	He is.
	The press breaks in and rushes the Mayor's desk. More questions, but one stands out.
Reporter 3	What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
Mayor McDaniels	No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.
Reporter 3	But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?
Mayor McDaniels	Uhhhhh, plan? I don't actually uh--
Aide 2	Reading classes, plain and simple. By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read, effective immediately.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!
	Cameras snap away to South Park Elementary. There's someone new...
Mr. Garrison	Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady.
	Silence. Officer Barbrady dwarfs the children as he sits among them.
Stan	I can't see, dude!
Mr. Garrison	Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics.
	Officer Barbrady raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison	E-yes, what is it?
Officer Barbrady	I need to go poopies.
Mr. Garrison	[Pause.] Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?
Mr. Garrison	Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
Kyle	How about a brain transplant?
	Barbrady raises his eyebrows.
Mr. Garrison	Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
	Stan struggles to see what Garrison is writing: Oprah Winfrey has huge knockers.
Mr. Garrison	Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	Ahhh... O... O--
Mr. Garrison	Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! Hahahahahahaha [Slaps his thigh.] hahahaha! [Wipes his forehead.] Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones.
	Mr. Garrison turns around and writes something more on the board: The hat is red.
Mr. Garrison	Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
Officer Barbrady	Ahhh... O...
Mr. Garrison	Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!
	Mr. Garrison starts laughing uncontrollably.
Officer Barbrady	[To the children] Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
Stan	No, we just fake it to shut him up.
Mr. Garrison	Okayheh, okay hi'm sohry. I'm sohry heh. Let's try again.
	Chicken coop. The chickens are clucking away when the door creaks open. A silhouette appear.
Intruder	So, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this?
	He grabs a chicken and...Cut to South Park Elementary, back in class.
Mr. Garrison	Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.
	Cartman squirms in his seat and whispers.
Mr. Garrison	Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see...
Cartman	[In falsetto.] Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?
Mr. Garrison	Eric, why don't you go first?
Cartman	Oooaaagh.
Mr. Garrison	What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
Cartman	I'm prepared!
	Cartman gets up and walks to the chalkboard, then faces the class.
Cartman	For my book report, I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	No, I can't say that I have.
Cartman	Oh, good. In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel... which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it; I give it a B-minus.
Mr. Garrison	And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman	God-dammit!
	The kids start laughing at him.
Officer Barbrady	Haa haa. Ha ha ha.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?
	Officer Barbrady rises and goes to the board then faces the class.
Officer Barbrady	I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, Go, Dog. Go!. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: "Big... dog..., little... dog. [Turns the page.] A red dog... on a..." Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life.
Mr. Garrison	Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an A.
Officer Barbrady	Hooray!
Cartman	[Miffed.] Goody two-shoes.
	The Playground. The camera pans across the playground. It passes the kid with the aviator cap holding a Blue Mega Man, Bebe and Clyde on the hobby elephants, the boys passing a ball among themselves, and stops at the swings. Barbrady swings between Kenny and Red.
Officer Barbrady	Swingset, swingset, up and down I go "Whoosh!" goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes
	Kyle looks looks back at Barbrady.
Stan	Dude, I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much.
Kyle	Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
Officer Barbrady	Swingset, swingset, up and down I go...
	Mayor McDaniels walks up with her aides.
Mayor McDaniels	Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?!
	He quickly gets off the swing, but in so doing he stresses the set and launches Kenny...
Kenny	(Daaarrrggghh--)
	Kenny flies into the brick wall at the other end of the yard.
Kenny	(-ooggghhh...)
Stan	Oh, my God! They've killed--
Kenny	(Hey.)
Stan	Oh, never mind. [Smiles.]
Mayor McDaniels	Well, how's the reading coming along?
Officer Barbrady	[Wringing his hands.] Oooh, pretty good.
Mayor McDaniels	Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
Kyle	Oh no!.
Officer Barbrady	Ah, Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover.
Aide 2	This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
Officer Barbrady	Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
Mayor McDaniels	The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
	She hands it to Barbrady, who looks it over.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, I can't read this. It has silent e's.
Mayor McDaniels	[Throttling him.] You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady	I'm doing the best I can. I even got a A on my book report.
Mayor McDaniels	Listen, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!
	She leaves with her aides. Aide 1 takes the ball from the boys and pops it.
Aide 2	Hey, what'd you do that for?
Aide 1	Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry. [They leave.]
Officer Barbrady	Oh boy, I'm in big trouble.
	The boys surround him.
Officer Barbrady	I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
Stan	It's cool, dude. We'll help you.
Officer Barbrady	Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under article 39, section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
Cartman	Really? I wanna be a cop.
Officer Barbrady	You boys will be my deputies; you can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset.
	This last idea he likes a lot.
Cartman	Do I get a nightstick?
Officer Barbrady	Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
	He hands his night stick to Cartman, who smiles.
Officer Barbrady	You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case.
Cartman	10-4, sergeant! [Walks off.]
Officer Barbrady	Now, what did that clue say again?
Stan	"If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft".
Officer Barbrady	To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny	Hooray!
	Booktastic bus. Barbrady and his new deputies enter.
Bus Driver	Good day, friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading.
Officer Barbrady	We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft right away!
Bus Driver	Oohhh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous--
Officer Barbrady	Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!
	The bus driver retrieves the book and hands it to Barbrady. He opens it.
Kyle	What's it say?
Officer Barbrady	It says, "Mmmuh mmmuuh..." Uh, what's this word? [Points out to Stan.]
Stan	I.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, yeah. "I... mmuh mmuh--"
Kyle	Here, give me that. [Takes the book.] "I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond."
Stan	A pond? Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond.
Officer Barbrady	That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!
	Downtown South Park. The streets are desolate, and only the sound of squeaking pedals. Suddenly, Eric pops over a low hill on his Big Wheel tricycle and goes down Main Street. The bike has been souped up with a motorcycle windshield and signal lights. He's wearing aviator sunglasses. A car passes by him.
Cartman	Ey!
	Cartman activates his siren, the driver sees him in the rear view mirror and pulls over. He gets off his trike, comes to the door, and taps the driver-side window with the night stick. The driver turns and lowers the window: it's Stan's father, Randy Marsh.
Randy	Uhh, yes, Officer?
Cartman	I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heawh?
Randy	Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 miles an hour.
Cartman	Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy	Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman	[Slower.] Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy	[Steps out.] Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman	Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Randy	Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little boy.
	Cartman swings his nightstick at Randy's shins and connects.
Randy	Ow!
Cartman	Get your ass to jail!
	He continues to swat him on the legs with the baton.
Randy	Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do that! Ah-ow! Ah-ow! Ow!
Cartman	[Getting carried away.] Sweet.
Randy	Ooww!
	Stark's Pond. A crowd is gathered at the crime scene. The chicken is fluttering about. Barbrady arrives with Stan and Kyle.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!
Stan	Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
Father Maxi	Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?
Halfy	[Mischievously.] I would. [Everyone looks at him.]
Mr. Garrison	Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!
Halfy	Oh... yeah. [He moves away on his fists.]
Father Maxi	Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?!
Officer Barbrady	Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
	Kyle finds it and holds it up high in the air.
Kyle	Here! Here, I found one!
Stan	What's it say? What's it say?
Kyle	It says, "Read Teetle the Timid Ta-- Taa-- The Taxi--" What's this word?
Stan	I dunno.
Officer Barbrady	[Taking the note.] "Ta... ta... Taaguh-- Taxi-dermist." [Everybody cheers.] I read it! I read it all by myself! [Grins.]
Halfy	[Doing flips.] Hooray, yeah! Whoo!
	South Park at night. Cartman is doing a segment for COPS.
Dispatcher 2	Five George is en route to 496 Broad Wasteland...
Cartman	Yeah, I've been working this beat for about three days now. You definitely have to have pretty thick skin or else these people, they just walk all over you. [The camera checks out traffic.] Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.
	Cartman is working a street, dressed in a hot-pink dress and fishnets. A car stops.
Driver	[Winking.] Hi there, little lady.
Cartman	Well, hi there.
	Cartman lowers his shades and bats his eyelids.
Cartman	Uh, wha-what are you doing tonight?
Driver	Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?
Cartman	Sir, step out of the car, please.
Driver	[Stammers.] What? Oh-oh-uh, is this a bust?
Cartman	[Displays his badge.] Sir, step out of the car.
Driver	[Stepping out.] Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!
Cartman	[Pulls out his baton.] Maybe this'll teach you to listen to authoritah.
	Cartman starts beating him on the shins.
Driver	Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow, stop it!
Cartman	[Exhales.] Yeah... Sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by. One day at a time.
	Outside South Park Library. Three people walk by with looted stuff.
Looter 3	I got a TV.
Looter 4	Shh. Come on!
	Inside, the camera zooms in on Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	[Reading from the book.] "Tee-tle the timid taxidermist... loves..to..." Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!
	Stan and Kyle arrive.
Kyle	How's it goin', dude?
Officer Barbrady	Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop! Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo.
Stan	Come on, dude, it's not that hard!
Officer Barbrady	It is, too!
Kyle	Just read the sentence.
Officer Barbrady	"Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-pet--"
Kyle	Come on, dumbass, you can do it!
Officer Barbrady	"Pet--" Wait a minute. [Recalls Garrison.]
Mr. Garrison	Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.
Mr. Hat	Yes, conjugate the verb.
Officer Barbrady	Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!
	Downtown. In another segment of Cartman's for COPS...
Dispatcher 3	All units, all units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos; request assistance.
	The siren goes on. Cut to Kenny's house. Cartman arrives and jumps off the bike, makes his way to the front door, and knocks. Stuart opens the door.
Cartman	Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
Stuart	We're fine, officer. [Sips his beer.]
Cartman	And-uhh who's, who's in here with you?
Stuart	Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids--
	Kenny and Kevin come to view.
Kenny	(Hi, Cartman.)
Stuart	--and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob, who I met last year.
Cartman	[To the camera.] Poor people tend to live in clusters.
Stuart	[Takes a swig of beer.] What—What did you say?
Cartman	Nothing. Now, sir, is there some kind of a...
Mrs. McCormick	I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job!
Stuart	Shut up, bitch!
Cartman	Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language; there's children present heuh.
Mrs. McCormick	You lazy-ass motherfucker!
Stuart	Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.
Mrs. McCormick	I'll do it again!
	She kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight.
Kevin	Mom hit Dad again!
	Both then continue laughing at them.
Cartman	Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!
	He jumps up and knocks Mrs. McCormick down, then Stuart. He then concentrates on Stuart.
Kenny	(Goddammit, Cartman!)
Stuart	Aagh!
Dispatcher 1	All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect. Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately!
Cartman	[Stops, gasps.] Chickenlover!
	The petting zoo. The school kids mill among the animals.
Officer Barbrady	Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
	The chicken blushes.
Stan	Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
Kyle	Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Officer Barbrady	Oh, no!
	Rustling is heard.
Officer Barbrady	Shhh!
	They turn around. A hand reaches down and plucks the bird away.
Officer Barbrady	Keep your eyes peeled.
	They turn around.
Stan	Look!
	Feathers are flying out from behind a bush as the bush moves around.
Kyle	He's here!
Officer Barbrady	Grab him!
	All three rush the bush, meanwhile in Downtown South Park, Cartman is racing towards the zoo.
Cartman	Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?!
	Reaches for a doughnut and bites into it.
	The petting zoo. Barbrady is wrestling the Chickenlover as Kenny arrives. Barbrady finally gets his man. It seems to be the Booktastic bus driver, and he pulls out a pistol. As Barbrady takes it from him, it fires and hits Kenny.
Stan	[Gasps.] Oh my God, they've killed--
Kenny	[Gets up.] (Oh, it was only my jacket.)
Stan	Goddammit!
Officer Barbrady	I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!
Stan	Aw, I think that's a mask, dude.
Officer Barbrady	Oh.
Kyle	Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!
Officer Barbrady	Caught you red-handed!
Bus Driver	Indeed, you did. How did you know I would strike here?
Officer Barbrady	By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.
Bus Driver	You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly! [Pleased.]
Stan	What are you talking about, dude?!
Bus Driver	When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!
Kyle	So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
Bus Driver	Yes! Yes, exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
Stan	That doesn't... make a whole..lot of sense, dude.
Bus Driver	Oh, no? He who was blind can now see!
	No reaction from the kids.
Bus Driver	I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.
Officer Barbrady	Well, I guess I should say "Thanks?"
Bus Driver	You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand.
Cartman	[Rushing up.] Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Kyle	Cartman!
Cartman	I got reports that the suspect is in this area!
Kyle	Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens.
Cartman	A-ha!
	Cartman hits him with the baton.
Bus Driver	Ow, that hurts!
Kyle	Whoa, dude!
Stan	Cartman!
	Officer Barbrady picks Cartman up and takes the baton from him.
Officer Barbrady	No, no, that's not how you uphold the law! [He puts him down.]
Cartman	Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!
Barbrady	Oohhh, ohh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this: [Paf.]
Bus Driver	[Going down, squealing.] Heee--!
Barbrady	You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.
	Cartman looks at the driver and removes his shades.
Cartman	Ooohhhh.
Kyle	I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
Barbrady	Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job!
	He spins the cylinder on his pistol.
Stan/Kyle	Hooray!
	Cartman watches as Barbrady leaves the petting zoo, Stan calls out to Barbrady.
Stan	Hey! So what are you going to do now?
Barbrady	Now? [Turns around.] Well, I-ee uh... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book.
	He displays the book for a moment, then holds up his right thumb for the camera to see. The end credits begin to roll, but only the executive producer is listed. The boys watch for a moment more, then walk off to the right. The chicken just walks around pecking at the straw. A bunny hops across the yard and Bebe chases after it.
	Newscast.
Anchor	And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case.
	Tape is shown of the parade. Confetti is flying everywhere. The South Park High School band is marching before Barbrady's car. He is in the car with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.
Officer Barbrady	Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
Man 1	Speech! Speech!
Officer Barbrady	[Lowers his arms.] What?
Stan	They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady; about the whole experience over the last couple of days.
Officer Barbrady	Oh. Okay, uh... Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
	The town cheers.
Man 2	Oh, yeah!
Officer Barbrady	Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read, your days are numbered! [More cheering.] And finally, I'd like to say that [Enunciating.] reading totally sucks ass!
Stan/Kyle	Hooray!
Officer Barbrady	Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of sh-shit, I'm never reading again!
Stan, Kyle	Hooray for Barbrady!
	The crowd cheers again.
Kyle	Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!
Cartman	Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
Stan	I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady got his job back.
Kyle	It's poetic justice.
Officer Barbrady	[Leaning forward.] Thanks, boys.
	The end credits roll again, this time normally. When the producer is listed, Kenny is shown in a clear area behind the crowd. A tree falls, flattening him.
Kenny	(Ow!)
	Blood oozes from under the tree. End credits continue, showing more scenes from the parade.
恋鸡狂 结束