出场角色[]
- Stan
- Kyle
- Cartman
- Kenny
- Butters
- Bebe
- Principal Victoria
- Mr. Mackey
- Mr. Garrison
- Mr. Slave
- Liane Cartman
- Latino Endowment Council members
- Make Your Own Video cashier
- BHI President and Aides
- Men at Oscar celebration in "Jennifer Lopez"'s dream
- Female Fan at concert
- Dr. Doctor
- Police Officers
- Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
- Mitch Connor
剧本[]
| 卡特曼的明星手 | |
| South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court. | |
| [wearing an argyle sweater] ...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him] | |
| [approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski. | |
| [as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ] | |
| Cool. | |
| All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd] | |
| [approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez. | |
| Jennifer Lopez? | |
| No way. | |
| [shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it] | |
| [Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accent and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets] | |
| [taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ. | |
| My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos. | |
| Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts? | |
| Oh si, si. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress. | |
| Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion] | |
| Oh si si si. I like it very much. | |
| [fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright? | |
| Saright. | |
| That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again] | |
| It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez! | |
| Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez. | |
| si si. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez! | |
| Nono, Jeh- | |
| Heh- | |
| Jeh- | |
| Heh- | |
| Jeh | |
| Jeh | |
| Jennifer Lopez. | |
| Hennifer Lopez [members of the council laugh and clap] | |
| Hahahahaha, oh my. | |
| Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts? | |
| Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy. | |
| And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.] | |
| South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way. | |
| Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass! | |
| It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture. | |
| Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle. | |
| No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over! | |
| [walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez. | |
| Aww, that makes me muy triste. | |
| Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle? | |
| Oh si si, very much. | |
| Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss? | |
| Oh si, si si, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand] | |
| Is nice? | |
| Is very nice. He's so handsome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises] | |
| [swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it! | |
| Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court. | |
| (Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court] | |
| South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it. | |
| Mmm, tacos! So yummy! | |
| Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman! | |
| Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too. | |
| She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside! | |
| When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo! | |
| (Heheehee, heheh yeahah) | |
| Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a "U R Da Star", a music-video shop] | |
| Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman! | |
| I agree. Those places are stupid. | |
| It's not stupid. I need to make music video. | |
| [to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off! | |
| Hey, I'm on your guys' side. | |
| [rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow] | |
| God dammit! [follows reluctantly] | |
| Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll? | |
| How much to make a video? | |
| Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape. | |
| Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five! | |
| Oh please! Come on, guys! | |
| Cartman, will you stop this gayness?! | |
| All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier] | |
| That's not what I meant! | |
| All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want? | |
| Something hot and spicy. | |
| The cashier puts on various music tracks, first song is a rock song. | |
| Spicier. | |
| Next is Latin song | |
| Spicierrr! | |
| Next song is a Latin mix. This is agreeable, so the video is made. | |
| "Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses" is shown, The hand has its costume on hanging down from it. | |
| |
| You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best! | |
| Oh, gracias, "Machel"! [the cashier's tag reads "Michael"] | |
| Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see it. | |
| Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias! | |
| Can we go now, please?! | |
| Yeah, I wanna leave. | |
| Stop it, Cartman! | |
| What? | |
| BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office. | |
| Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses. Taco taco. | |
| She's fantastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair] | |
| [with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez. | |
| [in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo. | |
| Yeah, but she's younger and spicier. | |
| Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco. | |
| I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl. | |
| No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo. | |
| Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it. | |
| Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to "her"] | |
| Oh, si si siiih. Allo! | |
| What do they want? | |
| [looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear. | |
| S'awright? | |
| S'awright. [returns to "her" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams "her" head off] | |
| What? What? | |
| Oh my God I can't believe it!!! | |
| [puts the phone to his ear] Hello, are you still there? | |
| They want to sign me to the record company! | |
| You want to sign Ms. Lopez? | |
| Oh my God, it's happening for me! | |
| Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich! | |
| We're gonna be famose! | |
| Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off] | |
| Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad. | |
| There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all! | |
| Oh, si si siiih. | |
| [scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.] | |
| Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy. | |
| Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow... | |
| His dream begins at the bus stop | |
| "Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!" [in class, sitting next to each other] "You were wrong, Kyle!" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] "Nananananaaana!" [on the bus ride home] "Hahahahahaaaha!" [images of Kyle come forth, crying] "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss. | |
| [has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh. | |
| An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it. | |
| Ms. Lopez! Up here! | |
| Jennifer, We love you Jennifer! | |
| Jennifer, over here. | |
| Jennifer! | |
| A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor. | |
| [stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.] | |
| [back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh. | |
| BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up. | |
| Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in. | |
| [carrying a toy poodle takes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five. | |
| Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopez, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label. | |
| What? Oh no you di'n't! | |
| We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ..."talent". | |
| [pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?! | |
| Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records. | |
| Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where is she come from?! | |
| Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you. | |
| I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican! | |
| Whatever. Look, it's nothing personal, we just think you need to move on. | |
| Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous. | |
| A limousine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver. | |
| And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck. | |
| [sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby? | |
| Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses it out the window.] | |
| What?? Who could replace you?? | |
| [tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver! | |
| [looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to? | |
| Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!! | |
| South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window. | |
| [runs up] Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle! [Slience.] | |
| [decide to answer] ...What? | |
| [approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha! | |
| What are you gloating about? | |
| Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to record an album next week. | |
| Wow, really? | |
| No! | |
| [a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous. | |
| Okay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals. | |
| [pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school! | |
| Butters, will you pay attention, please? | |
| Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez! | |
| Jennifer Lopez? | |
| Yes? | |
| Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too! | |
| Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window] | |
| Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.] | |
| Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots? | |
| Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow] | |
| South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself. | |
| Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here? | |
| Here she comes! Here she comes! | |
| Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?! | |
| [Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids? | |
| [begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away] | |
| [a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd] | |
| [looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman while pointing at him] You go' a problem?! | |
| Not me! | |
| Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other] | |
| Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful] | |
| What the hell is that?! | |
| My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos. | |
| That? That's what replaced me?! | |
| I'm sure it was just a mistake. | |
| Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place! | |
| Shut your God-damned mouth! | |
| [picks Cartman up by the scruff of his jacket] You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?! | |
| Nobody! | |
| I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos! | |
| Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand] | |
| Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop! | |
| You'd better stop! | |
| I will! | |
| [walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go. | |
| Wow, Ben Affleck. | |
| We should be getting back to the... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez] | |
| Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny! | |
| She drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limousine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time with his hands up against the glass as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses. | |
| Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson. | |
| Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now. | |
| Good. | |
| [rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould. | |
| Aw, God-dammit! | |
| Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez. | |
| Ohsisisi, senor. | |
| That does it. I'm out. [walks off] | |
| Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses! | |
| Music Lab Recording Studios, night. | |
| All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.] | |
Baby let's make a run for the border, | |
| Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit. | |
I need to make a run for the border, | |
| Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming. | |
Don't think just because I got money | |
| What the hell are you doing? | |
| I'm practicing my dancinngg! | |
| Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep! | |
| Dancing! | |
| Sleep! | |
| Dancing! | |
| [slowly, whiney] Sleep! | |
| [slowly, invitingly] Dancing! | |
| Moooommm! [Cartman's mother enters the room] | |
| What's the matter, sweetie? | |
| Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep! | |
| Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door. | |
| [real tired] He-yesss. | |
| Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez. | |
| [hides his left hand] She's not here right now. | |
| [muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben? | |
| Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeply, then shows his hand to Ben] | |
| Ben!!! Oh, you brought me roses! | |
| Jenny, ah Jenny I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowers the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily] | |
| I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben! | |
| I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent. | |
| I know, my darleeeng. That's okay. | |
| Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car? | |
| Oh Ben, I would LOVE to! | |
| NO! | |
| 'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?! | |
| I'm not going out in his car. | |
| I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have. | |
| I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework. [Ben stars picking his nose] | |
| Don't you dare [becomes unintelligible] | |
| I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine! | |
| Okay, Ben, let's go! | |
| A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip. | |
| Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile. | |
| Let's spend the whole day together! | |
| A soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Cartman looks tired. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The National Inquisition. | |
Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way | |
| Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you. | |
| Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But... | |
| But what? | |
| But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass? | |
| [pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand] | |
| Oh Ben. Beennn. | |
| Jenny, can I kiss you? | |
| [reacts] NO! | |
| Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own] | |
| Aw, God dammit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to "Jennifer Lopez" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude! | |
| Mmm, just like tacos. | |
| Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben. | |
| You're so hot, baby. | |
| I make you hot, Ben? | |
| Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! ["Jennifer Lopez" bobs up and down] | |
| [pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again] | |
| Oh God, Jenny! | |
| Oh, Ben, I adore you! [Cartman looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...] | |
| OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!! | |
| But I love her! | |
| Ben! | |
| Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you! | |
| I love you, Ben! | |
| Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes. | |
Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? | |
| [the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water. "Jennifer Lopez" knocks it onto the floor] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch! | |
| Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? | |
| Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning? | |
| Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine! | |
| Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps. | |
| Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby] | |
| [stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier] | |
| Aww crap. | |
| You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand] | |
| OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW! | |
| Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand. | |
| Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers. | |
| Oh dear. | |
| But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane. | |
| [on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased] | |
| I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.] | |
| Oh, hello guys. | |
| Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing! | |
| Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee? | |
| Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck. | |
| I hate you. [turns right and walks out] | |
| Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest. | |
| Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left. | |
| EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up] | |
| [enters with a cup of coffee and wearing a pink robe] What is it, sweetie? | |
| Ben Affleck is naked in my bed! | |
| Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with you.[backs out of the room and closes the door.] | |
| Buenos dias, my love. | |
| Good morning, baby. | |
| You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again! | |
| He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love. | |
| What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!! | |
| Should we tell him the news? | |
| What news? | |
| I think we should tell him. | |
| It's S'aright? | |
| S'aright. | |
| S'aright. | |
| We're getting married!! | |
| Oh, balls! | |
| Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings. | |
| Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.] | |
| [sad] Guys, I need to talk to you. | |
| What's the matter? | |
| I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez. | |
| So stop doing it! | |
| Stop doing what? | |
| You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here! | |
| Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and "Jennifer Lopez" emerges coughing] | |
| Don't you dare ever do that to me again! | |
| Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand doesn't need to breathe! | |
| You try being in an oven mitt for two hours! | |
| I can see your lips moving! | |
| I can see your lips moving too, culo! | |
| See?! I just saw your lips move! | |
| Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez. | |
| What's she doing? | |
| Come here! [drags Stan off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?! | |
| I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it. | |
| Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, [Kyle does a pretty solid impression of Cartman] "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!" | |
| Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb? | |
| YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room] | |
| Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you. | |
| Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does. | |
| Oh no you don't! | |
| Quiet, Ms. Lopez. | |
| Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out] | |
| Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door] | |
| Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something. | |
| There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and then...] | |
| Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs] | |
| [disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.] | |
| Don't you hurt her! | |
| We'll sue you! | |
| Oh Jesus. | |
| A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers draw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable. | |
| Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up] | |
| Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made] | |
| All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath. | |
| [rushes up to "Jennifer Lopez"] Jenny! Oh, I thought I was going to lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight! | |
| Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive] | |
| Our love is like rain! | |
| That's what you said about me, asshole! | |
| Quiet! | |
| Get her out of here! | |
| Fuck you! | |
| Shut up, picante pants! | |
| Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am. | |
| You're not? | |
| No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Connor. [everyone, including Kyle, gasps] | |
| Who's Mitch Connor? | |
| Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of runnin'. | |
| [exasperated] Oh no, no, no. | |
| I've been a cheat all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time. | |
| Stop. It. | |
| Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder] | |
| Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he too leaves.] | |
| [the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor? | |
| I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here? | |
| [resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible. | |
| [dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda! | |
| A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar. | |
| Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce will go on. [a man carrying a large bowl walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her] | |
| [jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead! | |
| Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people. | |
| Get a what with who? | |
| Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later? | |
| [begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies! | |
| Yeah. Meee too. | |
| [as credits roll] Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way | |
| 卡特曼的明星手 结束 | |