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南方公园:流量大战2 | 南方公园:逢迎宇宙/剧本 | 南方公园(少儿不宜) | ![]() |
出场角色[]
- Eric Cartman
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Kenny McCormick
- Butters Stotch
- Liane Cartman
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Shelley Marsh
- Sheila Broflovski
- Gerald Broflovski
- PC Principal
- Kathleen Kennedy
- Eric Cartman (Universe 216-B)
- Kenny McCormick (Universe 216-B)
- Stan Marsh (Universe 216-B)
- Kyle Broflovski (Universe 216-B)
- Butters Stotch (Universe 216-B)
- Stephen Stotch (Universe 216-B)
剧本[]
南方公园:逢迎宇宙 | |
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The episode starts in Universe 216-B at the Cartman Residence. We see the Eric Cartman sitting down at the kitchen looking down at the table, instead in this universe he is portrayed by an African-American woman. Shortly after Liane Cartman walks into the room. | |
Are you still here? You need to get going. | |
I can't get going. I told you I don't feel well. | |
What's the matter now? | |
Oh, nothing, I just had explosive fucking diarrhea all night because you decided to get us KFC for dinner. | |
You have KFC all the time. | |
Yeah, and I have diarrhea all the time! | |
You're not staying home all day and playing Baldur's Gate 3. Now let's go. | |
Ugh! | |
Eric leaves the house to get ready for school, Liane briefly follows but stops at the door. | |
Have a good day at school, sweetie. | |
Fuck you, Mom! | |
At the bus stop Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, and Kenny McCormick are waiting for the bus, each of them being portrayed by a diverse woman and are each in unique poses. Eric only just now arrives. | |
This is bullshit. How do you get your mom arrested for child abuse? | |
She wouldn't let you stay home and play Baldur's Gate 3, huh, fat ass? | |
Who you callin' fat, you heathen bitch? | |
Dude, you don't wanna miss school today. Clyde said he's gonna fart on Tammy Mullins during P.E. | |
Tammy Mullins has sweet fucking knockers. | |
Dude, Kenny, enough about Tammy's knockers! You sound like a white male trying to re-establish the patriarchy. | |
We return back to the regular universe of South Park, where we find out this was all simply a dream from the perspective of Eric Cartman, who is screaming in his bed due to the dream. Liane bursts through the door, turns on the lights, and runs over to comfort Eric. | |
Eric, it's okay. It's okay. | |
Mom! Mom! I had a dream that... I was replaced by a diverse woman! | |
Oh, not again. | |
Yeah, only this time, it wasn't just me. They were taking all my favorite people and replacing them with diverse women complaining about the patriarchy. Will you check under the bed and make sure there's no Disney executives under there? | |
I promise there's not. | |
I'm scared, Mom! Will you please just look and make sure Kathleen Kennedy isn't under my bed? | |
Liane at the side of Eric's bed, checks to see if Kathleen Kennedy is under it per Eric's request. After reassuring Eric that Kathleen is not under his bed, she stands up. | |
Kathleen Kennedy is not under your bed. | |
Can you check the closet? | |
Eric, enough. I've told you there's no such thing as Disney executives who replace everyone you love with diverse women who complain about the patriarchy. Now be a big boy. | |
Liane turns off the lights, and closes the door, leaving Eric with his thoughts as to what just happened. | |
It's-it's not real. | |
It's... it's not real. | |
Stan Marsh is sleeping in his bed at Tegridy Farms. His dad Randy urgently barges in. | |
Get up! | |
Come on, Stan, get up. Let's go. | |
What, Dad? | |
Downstairs. Let's go. I'm sick of this shit. | |
Okay. | |
Randy is waiting in the kitchen, Stan walks in with Shelley not far behind. | |
It has come to my attention lately that young people today don't know how to do shit. You got your phones and your AI and you kids haven't learned to be able to actually do anything. So we're going to take this morning to learn how to fix something. | |
Randy rolls up his sleeves, and proceeds to continuously move the oven door revealing that it is broken. The oven door also appears to be tilted sideways, and whenever it is moved sounds of screeching metal are heard. | |
You see this? See this? The oven door isn't working. It's falling off the hinges. So what do we do? Shelley? | |
I don't know. | |
It's very simple. You gotta make the hinges tighter so the oven door's more secure. So what you do is... | |
Randy reaches his hand towards his pocket, and as he takes out his phone he points towards it. | |
you take out your phone and you call the handyman. | |
Randy adjusts his wrist in a way which lets Stan and Shelley view the screen of the phone. On the phone is a menu with caller information of the handyman, which Randy uses to the call him. | |
Hello? | |
Hello. It's Randy Marsh. My oven door is not working. Please come fix it. | |
Randy hangs up the phone. Throughout this he is looking towards the direction of both Stan and Shelley. | |
Now we rest until the handyman comes. | |
We see the handyman's vehicle outside of Tegridy Farms with "BUDGET HANDIMAN" being written on the left side. In the kitchen, the handyman is bent down to align himself with the oven door, seemingly fixing it. | |
Are you following this at all, guys? | |
Is this seeping in? | |
Nope. No, it looks like the screws are totally stripped. | |
What does that mean? What's wrong? | |
Can't get 'er fixed right now, I gotta get some different washers at the Home Depot. | |
Okay, do that. | |
I gotta get over to Stephen Stotch's house and install his closet shelves. | |
Randy directs his tone towards Stan and Shelley, adjusting the level of his voice to make sure the handyman cannot hear him. | |
Okay, see, kids, this happens sometimes but handymen don't make a lot of money, so here's what you do. | |
Randy takes a few steps forward, and directs his tone back towards the handyman. | |
Oh, okay, I will pay you an extra 30 bucks if you fix my oven now. | |
Yeah, sorry, but Stotch already gave me an extra 50 bucks. | |
I will pay you an extra 55 bucks. | |
Sharon walks towards the entrance of the kitchen, holding a basket of laundry. | |
Randy, did you fix the oven door yet? | |
I'm working on it! | |
Look, please. Whatever you want. I'll throw in a six-pack of beer and you can get drunk. | |
I don't need your trivial little perks anymore, Marsh. I got work comin' out my ears. It's like... I don't know, it's like nobody knows how to do shit anymore. | |
You're-- You're just gonna leave? I'll pay a different handyman. | |
Yeah, go for it, buddy, I got so much money I don't care. | |
The handyman walks out, presumably to go to install closet shelves for Steven Stotch. | |
What the hell is going on? | |
Eric is now having an appointment with Dr. Kronberg, a therapist in South Park. | |
All right, just try to relax. Take a deep breath. Now tell me exactly what it is you're afraid of. | |
I keep having the same dream. Everywhere I look, people are being replaced. | |
Okay. And who do you think is going to have you replaced? | |
Them. The puppet masters. The last time I had the dream, I was, I was walking down the school hallway... | |
Eric then begins to explain his dream to the therapist. | |
And then I see Butters and he's like... | |
"Hey, Eric! You wanna see what my mom packed me for lunch?" | |
And that's when I start to notice that something's wrong. Everyone I cared about has been systematically replaced. And finally I want to scream and I'm like... | |
"Why are they replacing every single character with someone who is diverse?" | |
- But then Kenny's like... | |
"It's not our fault, it's 'cause of Kathleen Kennedy." | |
But then Kathleen Kennedy's just like... | |
Fuck it! Make it more lame. | |
And everyone in town is like, | |
"No, please, Kathleen Kennedy, stop ruining everything." | |
But Kathleen Kennedy is all like... | |
Put another gay diverse woman in it. Make it more fucking lame. | |
And Disney stock just keeps going down and down and down! And then Bob Iger is all like... | |
"No! No! What's going on with my stocks? No, Kathleen Kennedy!" | |
Cartman jolts out of the chair he was lying down in, screaming. After taking note of his surroundings with a nervous face he stops screaming. | |
Oh. It happened again, didn't it? | |
Okay, Eric, I think I know what's going on here. Your fears aren't about Disney replacing everything you love. What everyone is afraid of these days is being replaced by AI. | |
AI? | |
But you don't need to worry, Eric. As long as you work hard and stay in school, you can make something of yourself. Become an elite worker like I did that AI can't replace. | |
You're a therapist and the best thing you have to tell me is "stay in school"? | |
You're in control of your future, Eric. You just need to ask yourself, "Who will be the people still making money in the AI-driven future?" | |
An electrical outlit behind the therapist begins to crackle, a desk lamp being powered by a plug connected to the outlet turns off. The outlet appears to have been broken. | |
What the-- What the fuck? | |
The handyman's vehicle is now outside of the building "DR. KRONBERG - CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST", the handyman is inside working on the outlet. | |
Could you hurry it up, please? I kind of need to get back to work. | |
Yep, well, looks like you got a short in the outlet there. I'd have to get a new outlet at Home Depot. I can probably come change it on the 28th. | |
28th? No, no, no, look. I'll give a hundred bucks to get this done today. | |
I already got a feller giving me thousands to fix his toilet this afternoon. | |
I can't afford that. Free therapy sessions. How about we trade? You do the handiwork for me. And I'll give you five free therapy sessions! | |
Oh, no, thanks. I do all my therapy on the AI Freudbot app. | |
The handyman leaves the room, shutting the door soon after, the therapist is in shock taking in the advise he told Eric. We then cut to the South Park Breaking News | |
This is South Park Breaking News. | |
Shocking developments in the country today, it appears that nobody knows how to do shit anymore. Our own Chris Martins is live on the scene. | |
The news report cuts to Chris Martins, standing in the middle of his bathroom. | |
Tom, I'm standing in my bathroom where the new tile for my shower has yet to be installed. | |
Chris begins to walk to the back of the room to inspect the wall tiles, on his way there he adjusts his footing to he can get to the back of his tub. | |
As you can see, the tile has started to peel off in places. Now the handyman was supposed to come days ago to fix it but he claims to have better offers from other white-collar workers like me whose practical know-how has atrophied. It appears we've all screwed ourselves by relying on technology and AI. | |
Back at Tegridy Farms, Randy is sitting on the couch in the living room, he is using the Siri feature on his phone. | |
Hey, Siri, how do you fix a broken oven door? | |
Here's what I found from reference.com. "Undo any screws that hold the hinges in position, pull the door upward and then outwards to detach hinges from the oven. Insert the new hinge into the hinge holes and secure the hinges with screws." | |
Hey, Siri, okay, can you do that for me? | |
Can I do what for you? | |
Can you fix my oven door for me? It's broken. | |
I cannot do that because I do not have arms. You will need to call a handyman. | |
The handyman isn't available. He's all, like, rich now and I fucking rely on him to keep everything working here! | |
I am unable to fix an oven door. | |
Oh, well, hey, Siri, I thought AI was supposed to be this amazing scary advancement that could, like, do anything. | |
Sharon is looking into the living room from the kitchen, she then begins to talk to Randy before being cut off. | |
Hey, Randy, the oven door in the kitchen still isn't-- | |
I am working on it! | |
Sharon storms off angrily into the kitchen, leaving Randy alone again with his phone. | |
Hey, Siri, all the handymen are rich and I can't afford them anymore so what do I do? | |
Perhaps you could find an unlicensed worker who does small day jobs for cash. | |
You mean like those broke-ass illegal immigrants down at Home Depot? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way. Hey, Siri, you mean like those broke-ass illegal immigrants down at Home Depot? | |
Yes. There are often people sitting out front of Home Depot waiting to be hired for work. | |
Yeah. Those guys! | |
At South Park Elementary, Kenny is at his locker when Stan and Kyle walk up to him. | |
Hey, Kenny, can we talk to you? | |
Sure, guys, what's up? | |
Well, Clyde says that you told Tammy Mullins he was gonna fart on her in P.E. so she didn't show up. | |
Yeah, I might have told her. | |
Well, Kenny, everyone was really looking forward to that. Why did you ruin it? | |
I told you guys I think Tammy Mullins has sweet fucking knockers. | |
Eric dashes through the hallway looking for Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. | |
You guys! You guys! Something super crazy is happening, you guys. | |
You went on a diet? | |
This is serious, Kyle! At first they were just dreams, but now I feel like I'm actually changing. Why would I be having visions that I'm a diverse woman? | |
Because you're a fat, racist piece of shit. | |
Goddamn it, I'm not fat. I'm just shamed for my body in a world where white men decide what's beautiful. | |
After receding this, Eric quickly releases a brief gasp. | |
What the fuck was that?! Why would I say that? I don't say that. You see?! | |
He then shifts his tone to focus around the entire hallway. | |
This is happening to all of us, you guys. You might think everything is okay. But Disney... is gonna get ya. | |
As he says this, he pinches Clyde Donovan who is standing in front of him. | |
Kathleen Kennedy's gonna get ya. | |
He then walks over to Red McArthur and pinches her to. Afterwards he goes over next to Butters Stotch. | |
Disney and Kathleen Kennedy are gonna get ya! | |
As he pinches Butters, he screams briefly, constantly attempting to cover over the area with his hands. Eric then moves forwards, more towards the middle of the hall. | |
I don't think that what I'm experiencing are dreams. I think that what I'm seeing are windows... | |
Yeah, okay, I'm out. | |
It's true, Kyle, there could be other universes with other versions of-- | |
Everyone's sick of the stupid multiverse, Cartman. | |
It's not stupid, it's totally possible and if you can't-- | |
Eric is suddenly being held in a small blue spherical container, which is levitating off the ground. While Eric is speaking his voice appears to be muffled. | |
Kyle? Kyle? | |
I swear, the multiverse is just an excuse for lazy writing. | |
Whoa. Kyle! | |
Yeah, it's like every damn movie now. | |
Kyle, what is this? | |
Eric tries to punch at the container, only for nothing to occur from it. The container is slowly rising during this. | |
Uh, you might wanna listen to him, Kyle! | |
A portal opens up on the ceiling, the container drastically speeds up into the portal. | |
Kyle, you gotta help me! Help me, Kyle! | |
The capsule is submerged into the portal with Eric in it. The portal then closes, with the screams of Eric fading away. Everyone in the hall is left shocked at what just happened. Not too long after though, they continue on into their own conversations. After this, Randy arrives to the Home Depot. At the sign mounted to the ground, there are a group of people surrounding it looking for work. Some of these people include Gerald Broflovski, Steve Black, and Stephen Stotch. | |
Hey! Hey, I need a worker! | |
The group walks closer to Randy's vehicle, and they become clamoring. "Is that a handyman?", "There's one!", "Hey, you wanna trade?" a handful of them ask. | |
What the fuck? | |
Randy! You know how to do stuff, right? I gotta get the radiant heat installed in my house and I'm offering free legal advice in exchange. | |
You need a reporter? I'll report the news to you if you fix my shower tile! | |
How about a computer programmer? I can do coding! | |
Insurance broker? Insurance broker? | |
What the hell are you guys doing here? | |
We're trying to get a handyman to do stuff for us. | |
You know how to install radiant heat or not? | |
No, I need some broke-ass immigrants to fix my oven door. | |
The group collectively groans, one of the people stating "Dang it." | |
Hey! Here comes a different handyman! | |
A handyman arrives in a vehicle with "HANDYMAN REPAIR SERVICES" being written on the left side. He stops his vehicle to the left of Randy. | |
Hey, anyone wanna make a bunch of money? I need four workers who know how to use a power saw. | |
I'll do lawyer work if you install my radiant heat! | |
I've got skills in human resources. Let's work something out! | |
No, I need guys that know how to work a power saw. | |
After a brief amount of time, no one answers the handyman. | |
None of you know how to work a power saw? Jesus Christ. | |
The handyman drives off disappointed. | |
What universe is this? | |
This script is not finished, if you would like to contribute, I highly recommend using the subtitles provided with the special. | |
南方公园:逢迎宇宙 结束 |