角色[]
- Eric Cartman
- Butters Stotch
- Tweek Tweak
- Clyde Donovan
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Spencer Hollis
- Nathan
- PC Principal
- Strong Woman
- Mr. Mackey
- Liane Cartman
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Roger Donovan
- Janice (Not Suitable For Children)
- LoganLeDouche
- OnlyFans Representative
- Pueblo Reporter
- Truck Driver
- Spencer Hollis' Mom
- Influencer Talent Agency Representative
- Auction Barker Announcer
- FBI
剧本[]
南方公园(少儿不宜) | |
Cartman Residence. Eric Cartman is lying in his bed when his phone alarm goes off, he rises from his bed yawning, and begins to chug a bottle of Cred. As he is brushing his teeth, he watches an influencer on TikTok. | |
Cred has more electrolytes than Gatorade or Prime. And now Cred has a new flavor, Cherry Bubblegum. [Eric then packs several bottles of Cred out of the fridge, and packs them into his bag. He is then seen walking towards the front door, presumably going to school.] | |
Eric, do you really need to bring three bottles of that drink to school? | |
Mom, a kid today is defined by their hydration drink. I have to have more Cred than anyone else. | |
South Park Elementary. Eric is walking down the hallway, children are scattered around with their own bottles of Cred. | |
| |
South Park Elementary Cafeteria. Children are eating their food along with their Cred energy drinks. | |
| |
Yeah, but it's, like, seriously, look at how it's suddenly everybody now. Like that Spencer Hollis kid. He never even cared about Cred, he just drinks it 'cause some stupid influencer said it's cool now. Hey, hey, Clyde, where's your Cred? | |
Oh, um, it's in my… I-I already drank it. | |
See? That's what I'm talking about. Clyde likes Cred so much that he drank all his before noon. That's a real Cred drinker. Unlike all the poser Cred drinkers like Spencer Hollis! | |
Fuck you. | |
Fuck you, Spencer, you're a fucking poser! | |
Principal's Office. PC Principal and Strong Woman are discussing the uprise of hydration drinks and how they’re not safe for children. | |
It's literally everywhere now. These crazy hydration drinks that say they're healthy, but are loaded with fake sugars and not safe for children. | |
Why now? Why are kids suddenly so into these things? | |
Online influencers. They promote this stuff to kids to make money. I don't know what kind of scumbags would push adult things on something they know kids will watch. [The door is repeatedly pounded on, before Mr. Mackey barges into the room.] | |
You guys, we have a big problem. | |
What is it? | |
It's about the South Park elementary art teacher. | |
Mrs. Streibel? What about her? | |
We just found out that she's been… doing pornographic videos on OnlyFans. | |
Oh, no. | |
Oh, yes. There's gonna be a big meeting tonight, and everybody's gonna see it. | |
South Park Elementary Cafeteria. A parent-teacher meeting is being held, parents are indistinctly shouting. | |
All right, everyone, let's try to be civil here. | |
Be civil? How are we supposed to go home and explain to our children that their art teacher is a slut? [agreeing chatter] | |
She is not a slut Mrs. Streibel is a woman engaging in a legal activity on a website that is for adults only. [angry shouting] | |
Of course kids are gonna see it. They see everything on the Internet. [agreeing chatter] | |
Well, the problem is you guys buy your kids phones, okay? Just like you buy them all these unhealthy hydration drinks. | |
Oh, don't turn this around on us. We can't control what our kids drink or what they watch. They're your kids. | |
Many teachers are struggling to get by and need ways to supplement their income. Mrs. Streibel makes close to minimum wage as a teacher, but on OnlyFans, she makes an extra $10,000 a week. [indistinct shouting] | |
It doesn't matter how much she made, | |
Did she say $10,000 a week? | |
Listen, we have suspended Mrs. Streibel indefinitely, m'kay? But over the next few days, you should probably talk to your kids about what they might have seen, m'kay. | |
Donovan Residence. Roger is sitting at the table with his current girlfriend Janice. Clyde walks in, presumably after school has ended. | |
Uh, hey, Clyde, w-why don't you come over here and have a seat? | |
What? | |
Uh, have a seat, pal. We need to talk to you. [Clyde pulls out a chair, and sits down at the table] Clyde… we're understanding that some tough things have been going on at school. | |
Yes. Yes, they have. | |
All right, well, we know that some of the stuff you're dealing with might be kind of disturbing. | |
Yes, it's totally disturbing, yes. | |
All right, Clyde, well, we want to try and help you. | |
Really? You do? Oh, thank God. Finally. | |
Yeah, pal, let-let me explain to you what "double penetration" is. | |
Double penetration? | |
See, in your art teacher's OnlyFans page, her and two men, who love each other very much, wanted to express that love... | |
Dad, nobody cares about double penetration. My life at school is awful because you don't let me drink hydrating sports drinks like all the other kids. | |
Clyde, we've told you, those things are filled with additives and fake sugar, and they're not good for children. | |
You're not even my real mom, Janice, so why don't you shut the fuck up? | |
Clyde, that's enough. | |
Every other kid at school is allowed to have it. They all have Cred, but I have zero Cred because my dad and his stupid girlfriend think it's bad for me. | |
Why do you want to be like all the other kids? | |
Shut up, Janice, you're not my mom! | |
All right, Clyde, we're trying to have a nice talk with you about double penetration, and you can just go to your room now. | |
Fine! [Clyde storms off, and begins to make his way up the stairs] | |
Thanks a lot for making sure your son is the only kid in school without any Cred! [Clyde is in his bedroom at his computer watching a video by LoganLeDouche] | |
It's like nobody understands me, you know? Like, all these stupid boomers and people over 40 don't know how hard it is for young people. | |
Yeah. | |
Like, yo, if you guys feel the same way, just leave a comment down below and smash that like button.[Clyde instinctively clicks his mouse, therefore liking the video] | |
You know, the most important thing is just to be yourself. And when I feel like I can't be myself, that's when I need a hydration drink that'll pick me up. That's when I need Cred. [Logan pulls out a red bottle of Cred. Clyde then lets out a groan] | |
It's the coolest sports drink in the world. [a set of unique Cred bottles are shown.] Cred is 100% sugar-free. [Logan empties a purple bottle of Cred onto his face.] Cred has electrolytes so you can ride your bike. [Logan is using a bike on a sidewalk.] And also, Cred has more vitamin A than your body could possibly ever use. [Logan is now lifting weights] | |
I can't feel my face. | |
Drink Cred or you're a piece of shit. [Logan then jumps out of an airplane, letting out an excited yell] | |
Drink Cred at your school today. Not intended for children. [sped up] | |
Tegridy Farms. Randy is sat down on a chair wearing a blue checkered shirt and not wearing any pants or boxers. Throughout the shot the scene starts to focus from Randy’s face to his entire body. | |
Hey, guys, I know there's a lot of influencers out there trying to get your attention. And I just hope that you'll maybe take a moment to check out what I have to say here on My OnlyFans page. I hope you're all doing great, and if you're watching this PPV, I hope you'll consider subscribing. If you want me to give a shout-out | |
What the fuck are you doing? | |
Oh! Hey, Sharon, just supplementing my income. | |
Are you serious right now? | |
All right, all right, Sharon, yes, I am an OnlyFans model. And I'm not ashamed of it. | |
Goddamn it, Randy. | |
What is with all the stigma Americans have anyway, huh? It's just my penis, Sharon. It's not a big deal. | |
No, it's definitely not a big deal. | |
Okay, good. Thank you. All I'm doing is taking back control of my sexuality on a platform that I can benefit from financially. | |
So you're just gonna sit here and jack off for four hours a week just to make a few extra dollars? | |
I jack off two hours a week anyways. Now I just do it a little bit more and make enough money to pay for the increase in gas prices. | |
If your children find out
about this, they are going to leave home. [Sharon walks out, with Randy following not long after] | |
Children aren't allowed on OnlyFans, Sharon. It's totally safe. Kids aren't gonna see this. [Randy gestures towards his penis] | |
South Park Elementary. Eric is walking down the hallway, children are scattered around with their own bottles of Cred. Eric notices Butters and Tweek. | |
Butters, Tweek, you guys got a second? | |
For what? | |
Okay, you know how, like, some kids in this school really like Cred and others just pretend to, but really they're posers like Spencer Hollis? Well, I think we should start a Cred affinity group. | |
What's an affinity group? | |
It's where you, like, divide people into groups and single them out in order to make other people feel bad. See, it's like we're the legit Cred drinkers, and we should just let the very coolest kids into our affinity group. [Clyde walks up to the three boys]Oh, hey, Clyde. Where's your Cred? | |
Oh, it's just, uh… it's, uh, in my backpack again. | |
Oh, that's cool. You guys think we should let Clyde into our affinity group? | |
Yeah, I like Clyde. [Stan and Kyle are walking past the four boys] | |
Oh, hey, Stan. Do you want to be in our affinity group? | |
What's an affinity group? | |
It's like where people separate into little clubs by, like, skin color or religious beliefs and talk about how much better they are than everyone else. Usually, white people can't be in an affinity group, but it's for a drink, so they have to let us. | |
That's not what an affinity group is. | |
Uh, yeah, well, no one's inviting you, Kyle. 'Cause it looks like you don't even have any Cred. | |
Yeah, I do, it's in my backpack. | |
Oh, sure, it's in his backpack, guys. | |
Yeah, let's see it, then. | |
[Kyle takes off his backpack, and a bottle of Cred is seen.] It's right here. | |
We drink way more Cred than you guys do. | |
Oh, yeah, right. Tweek drinks four bottles of Cred for breakfast. [Tweek suddenly begins to grunt, twitching in the process. The school bell rings.] | |
I don't want to be a part of any affinity group. It just sounds like trouble. [Stan and Kyle walk away] | |
Yeah, well, we don't want you. 'Cause you just pretend to like Cred 'cause it's a fad right now like all the other lame-o's in this school. [Eric looks towards a couple of students, after realizing that he’s caused a scene] Hey, guys. [The boys walk away. Eric catches up with Clyde] Hey, Clyde, you got a sec? | |
For what? | |
I was just gonna talk to you about your backpack. | |
-W-What about my backpack? | |
IWell, it's just... You know, it's really best to have a backpack that's got a water bottle pouch to put your Cred in. [Eric angles his backpack towards Clyde] See, like, see how y-you can see, like, you can see my Cred bottle from the outside? You just go like this, and everyone-everyone can see your Cred? You're just like, "Oh, hey, what's going on? Oh, yeah, sweet, check out my Cred It's, like, right here." [Eric faces towards Clyde] | |
Um, well, I-I don't think I can get a new backpack till my birthday. | |
Well, maybe just, like, use some tape or something to make your own bottle pouch? You know, we definitely don't want you to look like you don't have any Cred. [Eric chuckles] All right, see you in class, brah. | |
Tegridy Farms. Sharon is at the kitchen table paying off bills, Randy walks in fully naked. | |
Hey, Sharon. Can we talk? I feel like there's a lot of bad things going on in the world, and it gets so confusing sometimes, you know? I think, as Americans, we watch news about things happening in the Middle East and we just don't want to get involved. And I know it can feel like "What can I do? I'm not special, how could I ever make a difference?" But we can't let ourselves think like that. [Randy sits down at the table] Sometimes what it takes is just one person to start a movement. [Randy begins to hold Sharon’s hand] One person, and then everyone else might follow. [Sharon lets go of Randy’s hand, and rests her glasses onto the table] | |
I am not subscribing to your OnlyFans page, Randy. | |
Okay, well, you're a c***. [Randy walks away from the kitchen. Sharon continues her work.] | |
South Park Elementary. Butters and Tweek are holding up a sign against a wall for their exclusive affinity group. Eric is surveying this from a distance. | |
Yeah, that looks good. Maybe a little higher on your side, Butters. Yeah, that's great. I think everyone can see that now. That should definitely make people feel unwelcome. | |
Washroom. Clyde walks in and goes to a urinal, he notices writing on the wall which reads out: “NEED CRED? Behind temp. 12A”. South Park Elementary Playground. Clyde stealthily walks to the back of the Temp 12A Building, Nathan is waiting at the back with a cyan duffle bag around his arm. | |
Hey. | |
Hey... What's goin' on? | |
So... are you, like, selling Cred? | |
What? Selling hydration drinks on school ground is against the rules. [Nathan begins to whisper, and gestures to Clyde to come towards him] Come here, come here. [Nathan reaches towards Clyde’s crotch, and then across his chest.] | |
What the-- Hey, what are you– What the hell are you doing? | |
If you're wearing a wire, I will kick your ass. [whispering, Clyde pushes Nathan away from him] | |
Bro, I'm not wearing a wire! Do you have Cred or not? | |
Sure, I got Cred. What are ya looking for? A little... Watermelon Strawberry? [Nathan pulls out a pink bottle of Cred] | |
No, no, do you have any ones that don't taste like total ass? | |
Oh, you want the good shit. I got your Bubblegum Grape right here. [Nathan pulls out a purple bottle of Cred] | |
Okay, how much? | |
Eighty bucks. | |
$80? For a shitty fake-sugar drink? | |
What do you think I'm runnin' here, a fucking charity for the homeless? How about some Oatmeal Nummy Nums? [Nathan pulls out an orange bottle of Cred] I can get you into that for $65. | |
I don't have $65. What can I get for three bucks? | |
Three bucks? Oh, sure. For that, you can get an empty Cred bottle. | |
What good is that gonna do me? | |
It's easy. You just fill your empty bottle with water, add a little food coloring. Everyone thinks you got Cred when you actually have no Cred. | |
I'm not giving you three dollars for just plastic garbage! | |
Cool thing, man. You just go back into the school without any Cred at all. See how long you last. [Clyde pauses for a moment, then grabs three one dollar bills and throws them towards Nathan] | |
Here! [Nathan gives Clyde the empty Cred bottle. Clyde walks away.] | |
Tegridy Farms. Medium shrimp and rice noodles are on a white plate. | |
Hey, guys, it's your boy Randy, and in this video we're doing authentic pad Thai for under $6. Now we're gonna start with some medium shrimp and some rice noodles. [two small bowls of fish and soy sauce, with a larger bowl of eggs] For the wet ingredients, we're looking at a couple eggs, some fish and also soy sauce. [cilantro and green onion are on another white plate] And then for garnish, we're gonna do a little cilantro, green onion, and then of course, we're gonna top that all off with some fresh nuts. [Randy’s genitals are on the table] Those nuts are gonna give it that extra bite. Now, if you like what you're seeing be sure to smash that subscribe button. And– [Sharon walks into the kitchen with a bag of groceries] | |
Get your balls off the table! | |
Oh, oh, great Sharon you just ruined the shot! [Sharon places the bag onto the stove] | |
The guys at the deli wanted me to say hi, Randy. They all saw you on OnlyFans. | |
Really? Are they gonna subscribe? | |
No, they're not going to subscribe. Nobody's going to subscribe, Randy. Will you fucking stop? | |
This stuff takes time! [Sharon begins to swiftly lay out the contents of the bag on the counter] You don't just put up a page and immediately get followers. You have to support it with other social media, have a craft to teach... Being an influencer takes time, Sharon! | |
Oh, so now you're an influencer? | |
Yes! I'm an influencer. | |
Maybe you should see how it feels, Randy. Maybe I should go and do my own OnlyFans. [Randy chuckles] | |
What? What? Yeah, like people are gonna pay to see your OnlyFans. | |
I'll make more than you do! [Sharon begins to walk out the kitchen] | |
Sharon, being an influencer is work. You got to pay for the lighting, for the sound, you got to be good at editing! | |
Okay. Cool, Randy. I'm gonna go start an OnlyFans channel. | |
Ok-okay. Okay, you go do that, Sharon! | |
I'm gonna fuckin' do it! [Randy walks over the doorway of the kitchen] | |
Okay, yeah, go supplement our income, Shar... [Randy briefly chuckles, before his tone changes] Sharon? | |
Donovan Residence. Clyde Donovan wakes up, he rises from his bed, and retrieves the empty bottle of Cred from his bedside dresser drawer. Clyde goes to his fridge, and grabs a bottle of apple juice. He then pours the apple juice into the Cred bottle, before twisting the cap back on. He packs the Cred bottle into his bag, as he walks past his computer, we see a Logan playing in the background. | |
You got this day, bro! You're strong and I'm gonna keep on making videos for you. [Clyde walks down the stairs, and out the door, where he moves the Cred bottle to a small pouch on the side of his bag] | |
South Park Elementary. Clyde is walking down the hallway partially bent down with a nervous expression, nearby children take note of his Cred bottle. | |
| |
[Eric, Butters, and Tweek are handing out flyers for their affinity group outside the library] Hey, guys, we're having a Cred affinity group meeting today at 4:00. Nobody's allowed but us, okay? Hey, Jordan. We're having a meeting today. You can't come. | |
Affinity group meeting today, Sally. You're not invited. | |
Well, I think that's just about everyone. Tweek, did you tell Spencer Hollis he's not allowed in the affinity group? | |
Yeah. You told me to call him last night. He didn't seem to care. | |
Yeah, he cares. [Clyde begins to walk past the boys] | |
Oh, there's Clyde! | |
Hey, Clyde. Look at you with your nice new backpack. | |
Oh, uh, yeah. You guys like it? | |
Yeah, it's really cool. You can see your Cred now. | |
Yeah, it's really nice the way your Cred is– Oh, my God! Clyde! [Eric grabs the bottle of Cred from Clyde’s backpack] You got Moonrise Mellow? How the hell did you get a bottle of Moonrise Mellow? | |
Oh, it was just, uh, what my parents gave me today. You guys, Moonrise Mellow is, like, the hardest flavor to get ever. | |
Whoa, lucky. | |
Yeah, hey, I'm not sharing. [Eric notices Stan and Kyle walking down the hallway, and makes his way towards him. Clyde follows him] | |
Hey, Stan. Hey, Stan. | |
No, no, dude, wait. | |
Check out what Clyde has. Moonrise Mellow. | |
That's impossible. [Butters’ laughs] | |
Look at their faces. They're so jealous. | |
No, it's really impossible. Moonrise Mellow was discontinued months ago. | |
Guess you wish now that you were in the Cred affinity group. [Eric then shifts his voice towards other children walking down the hallway] We told you guys we have better Cred than anyone at school. | |
It's probably fake. | |
Oh! Oh, you think it's fake, huh? [Eric begins to open the bottle, and then begins to drink the contents of it. Clyde is visibly scared. A kid nearby has his phone out and is presumably recording] You want to fucking taste it? [Eric spits out the contents towards Butters’ direction] What the fuck? This is fucking apple juice. Gross! | |
Let's see. [Stan grabs the bottle of Cred from Eric’s hand] | |
Hey, give it back. [Stan drinks of the contents of the bottle] | |
Yeah, it's apple juice. You guys are posers. [Stan gives the bottle Kyle before walking away] | |
We're not posers! [Kyle then drinks the contents from the bottle, before shifting his voice towards the other children around him] | |
Hey, guys. Cred affinity group uses fake Cred. [Kyle begins to make his way down the hall] | |
Washroom. Eric begins to run into the room, with Butters, Tweek, and Clyde following him | |
What the fuck? What the fuck have you done, Clyde? | |
I'm sorry, okay? | |
Oh, he's sorry. He faked having Cred, but he's sorry! | |
All right, look, my parents won't let me drink Cred, okay? [Eric appears to be in shock] They think it's bad for me. | |
So you never had Cred? [Clyde briefly pauses] | |
No. | |
Oh, my God! | |
We all said you had Cred in your backpack, Clyde. We fucking backed you! | |
What the hell are we gonna do? | |
Why do you guys care? I'm the one who doesn't have any Cred! [Tweek goes over to Clyde and begins to shake him] | |
That's not how it works, man! If you don't have Cred, then everyone around you loses all their Cred. [Tweek continues to have a firm grip on Clyde’s shirt, but stops shaking him] | |
We're dead. We're fuckin' dead. Word is gonna spread through the school that our affinity group has no Cred and then we're gonna– [Eric begins to gag, before running to a stall. He then begins retching] | |
How could you do this to us, Clyde? | |
I'm sorry. It was all the pressure. | |
I never even wanted to be in an affinity group. Now I'm doomed! | |
Tegridy Farms. Randy is watching a video by Sharon on OnlyFans. | |
[moaning] Ooh... oh. Oh, yeah. You like that, guys? | |
Oh, my God. | |
[moaning] Oh... Oh, God. | |
Oh, my God. She did it. | |
[moaning] Mm... Oh, yeah. | |
She actually did it. She actually got more subscribers than me. | |
[moaning] Ooh, yeah, guys. Oh, yeah. Just let me know if there's anything special you'd like to see, guys. | |
3,100 subscribers. [Sharon continues to moan] How is that possible? I mean, look at that, the lighting sucks. The sound keeps clipping like she got a microphone at Walmart or something. And who's that guy? He's blocking half the shot. This is total amateur hour! [Randy is viewing his own OnlyFans page while on a call with a representative of OnlyFans] | |
Thanks for calling OnlyFans customer support. How can I help you? | |
Yeah, I just found out that my wife has an OnlyFans page, and in one day she has more subscribers than me. I'm starting to think this whole thing is rigged. | |
Well, it is slightly easier for our female content creators to find an audience. | |
Look, my wife can't become a bigger influencer than me. I'll never hear the end of it. | |
Well, sir, have you been trying the pointers we discussed to reach a larger audience? | |
Yes! I added a skill. I'm advertising my OnlyFans page with TikTok and Instagram. | |
What about optimizing your algorithm? | |
Oh, um, how do I do that? [Randy grabs at his genitals] | |
No, no, no. Not with your penis. See, what a lot of influencers will do is they talk about things and show things in their videos that are trending. Then you can hashtag that, and the search engines will think your content is trending. | |
So I... add stuff to my videos that's popular, and people will accidentally go to my page trying to search for that popular thing. | |
Exactly. | |
That's perfect! But what's trending most on the Internet right now? | |
Donovan Residence. Clyde arrives home from school, as he opens and then slams the front door. | |
Oh, hey there, Clyde. How was school? | |
You want to know how school was? It fucking sucked! All I wanted was to have a little bit of Cred at school, but now I've destroyed it and everyone hates me! [Clyde throws his backpack onto the floor | |
Oh, Clyde, we're always trying to do what's best for you. | |
And you shut the fuck up, Janice! You are not my mom. [Clyde runs up the stairs] | |
Clyde! [Clyde is in his bedroom at his computer watching a video by LoganLeDouche] | |
I seriously can't stand how stupid people are sometimes. That's why I do all my pranks and stuff. [Logan is punching a red punching bag] Sometimes it's impossible to stay positive when everyone sucks so hard. If you like what I'm saying in this video, smash that like button down below. [Clyde instinctively clicks his mouse, therefore liking the video] You know, the thing is, when you really feel the most down, that's when you got to fight the hardest, you know? I'm gonna give you 10 tips to being tougher. But first I want to give a shout-out to our sponsor Cred hydration drinks! Logan adjusts the punching bag, revealing the Cred logo. Clyde lets out an exasperated sigh Cred gives you all the energy you need! And now Cred has an all-new exclusive flavor. [Logan is in a blue Cred costume, and is holding two Cred drinks] Introducing new Mega Cred. It's a super limited edition [a set of Mega Cred bottles are shown] only available to a select few. And Cred's doing a big giveaway and maybe these super limited edition bottles can be yours. | |
Denny’s. Randy and Nathan are sitting at a booth. | |
So I looked it up, and there's this drink called Cred that's the most searched thing on the internet. I figured if I can get my hands on some of the more hard to get bottles and put them in my videos, maybe I'll get more traffic. Everyone says maybe you can help me. | |
Cred? What's Cred? Never heard of it. | |
Okay, look, I'm not wearing a wire. You want to see? [Randy begins to stand up] | |
No, no, I don't want to see! What the hell is wrong with you? [Randy then sits back down] | |
I'm looking for a lot of Cred. Maybe I can even get them to eventually sponsor my adult web channel. | |
Oh, okay. Then you'll want some of the harder stuff that's marketed for adults only. Like maybe... Peppa Pig Peppermint. [Nathan pulls out a bright pink bottle of Cred from his duffle bag] | |
That doesn't sound like it's marketed for adults. | |
Oh, well, maybe you want to try the I'm a Big Boy Blueberry. [Nathan then pulls out a dark blue bottle of Cred] | |
All right, look, just– How much for the whole bag? | |
You want my whole bag of Cred? | |
I want you to supply me with every bottle of Cred you can find. I have to have more subscribers than my wife. | |
Cartman Residence. Eric is lying down in bed, with dozens of wax candles placed around his room. Liane opens the door and walks in. | |
Eric, sweetie, are you feeling any better? | |
No, Mom, I'm dying. I've been completely discredited. | |
Eric, everything is going to be okay at school tomorrow. | |
It's too late. I've already stepped down as founder and chairman of my own affinity group. You'll find my letter of resignation on the nightstand. [Liane walks over to his nightstand, she picks up and reads a letter left on top of it] I'm choosing to step down before all those sick bastards at school try and force me out. | |
Well, you need to sit up for just a minute. Your little friend Clyde wants to talk to you. [Clyde, Butters, and Tweek walk into the room] | |
Clyde? No, no, no, no, no. Do not let– Mom! Do not let Clyde in my– Aw, goddamn it.[Liane leaves the room, shutting the door behind her] What do you guys want? | |
Eric, Clyde has an idea that might save our Cred. | |
Nothing is going to save our Cred, you boners. | |
Will you just listen? My influencer said there's gonna be a big Cred promotion at a CVS in Pueblo. | |
A promotion, great. | |
They're gonna sell a very limited quantity of an all-new Cred that nobody's even tried yet. | |
So we could ditch school, find a way to get to Pueblo and come back with a Cred nobody else can even get. | |
We'd have our Cred back. | |
We followed Clyde before, you guys, and it cost us everything. | |
Look, 50 cases of Cred [Clyde brings out his phone, and shows Eric the CVS page for Mega Cred], only available tomorrow 200 miles away and then not available for another six months. It's called Mega Cred. [Eric pauses for a moment] | |
All right, you son of a bitch. Maybe our affinity group isn't dead just yet. | |
Tegridy Farms. Randy is sat down with dozens of Cred drinks around him on shelves and tables. | |
Hey, what up, guys? It's your boy Randy. In this video, I'm gonna be trying out six different flavors of the newest sports drink. As you can see, I've got lots of Cred. Do you like Cred? If so, leave a comment down below, and maybe smash that like button. Okay, we're gonna start with Summer Popsicle. [Randy grabs a pink and orange bottle of Cred] I guess it's pretty popular. [Randy sniffs the contents of the bottle] Smells okay. Let's see how good it is. [Randy then begins to pour the contents of the drink onto his genitals] Ooh. Oh, okay, yeah. That one's kind of fizzy. K-Kind of fizzy, but more on the penis than it is on them balls. Yeah, this is really nice. | |
Oh. Oh, yeah, it looks good. Yeah, looks delicious. おいしい. | |
Hey If you're liking the content, be sure to subscribe. Really helps the channel out. Let's move on to another flavor now. [Randy is at his laptop watching the video] This one's called Purple Snow Globe. Let's see how it tastes. [Randy repeats the same process] Ooh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. [Randy pauses the video, and takes note of the increasing view count] Oh? [The view count continues to increase] Oh, my God! Sharon, you got to see this! [Randy goes down to the kitchen] Hey, Sharon! [Randy goes to the living room, where Sharon has arrived with three unique bags of clothes] Oh, there you are, Sharon. Been out shopping with all the money you made on OnlyFans? | |
I'm ready to stop whenever you are. | |
Oh, ho! Yeah, I don't think so, Sharon. [Randy grabs his phone, Sharon lays out the bags on the coffee table] I just had a video on TikTok with 1,000 views and a video on Meta with 2,000! That's gonna drive all the subscribers to my OnlyFans page. You said my penis wasn't a big deal, and now look! [Randy shows Sharon his phone screen, which presumably has the view count of his latest video] | |
What are you doing to that Cred bottle? | |
Oh, that's just a little trend jumping. | |
Randy, you know who drinks Cred, right? Children! | |
No, it's not even suitable for children. | |
Okay, this has to stop, Randy. The only views you're getting on TikTok and Meta are from kids! | |
That's not what the data shows, Sharon. According to Meta and TikTok, their audience is predominately people over the age of 22. That means it's not kids who care about Cred, it's adults who want to see my dick. [Randy gestures towards his genitals, before he begins to walk out] | |
Randy, please. Let's just call it a tie, okay? | |
Oh, I bet you'd love that now. Now that my OnlyFans is about to be bigger than yours. [Randy begins to go up the stairs] I'm gonna beat your ass, honey! | |
Pueblo, Colorado. The boys get off of the South Park City Transit bus while it is stopped outside of the CVS Pharmacy. | |
[checking his phone] Oh, Jesus, now it looks like they're doing a two-bottle max per person. | |
O-Okay, so two bottles each. That means we'll have eight. | |
Is that enough Cred? | |
Oh, my God. | |
No! [thousands of children are forming a riot outside of the CVS pharmacy, each are wanting the new Mega Cred] | |
[chanting] We want Cred! We want Cred! We want Cred! We want Cred! | |
Dude, there's like 2,000 kids here. | |
Don't these losers have anything better to do than fight over a shitty drink? Come on, we gotta make our way to the front. [the boys make their way over to the CVS, during this a reporter is just outside the building “making a report” on the limited release of Mega Cred] | |
Tom, I'm standing outside the CVS in Pueblo where thousands of children have shown up to get some Cred. [as the camera pans away, we get to see that the lower half of the reporter is completely naked] The fake sugar hydration drink is considered not suitable for children and yet kids are literally fighting to get their hands on this limited edition. I'll be covering the whole thing live here on my OnlyFans page. Just DM me if there's anything custom you'd like to see. | |
Dude, this is fucking crazy! | |
There's never gonna be enough Cred for everybody! | |
Oh, my God. No. No! It's fucking Spencer Hollis. | |
Hey, stop pushing, kid. | |
What's he doing here, that dirty son a bitch? | |
He fucking ditched school to come get Cred and he doesn't even like it! He's a fucking poser! | |
[chanting] We want Cred! We want Cred! We want Cred! | |
The delivery truck! [a Cred delivery truck makes its way to the CVS building, children try to climb on to the glass of the vehicle, and some even get run over in the process as the sounds of children screaming can be heard | |
Ah! Ah! Get away! | |
[a child is pressed against the driver-side window] Give me Cred! | |
You're all a bunch of animals! Ah! | |
Cred! Give me the Cred! | |
I got to have Cred! | |
We want Cred! We want Cred! | |
Okay, go, go, go! | |
Okay, okay, it's here, you bastards. Come in and-- [the children push the Employee down, and make their way into the building] Ah! | |
I was here first! | |
Tweek's not gonna make it, you guys. [Tweek is jammed in the crowd, screaming] | |
Where is it? | |
Where's the Cred? [the screaming of children continues, as they make their way through the building] | |
It's over there! [the children run over to a cardboard Mega Cred display, climbing to the top to try to get a bottle of Mega Cred, some push others off in the process] | |
Give me Cred! | |
Me first! Me first! [children are fighting others with bottles of Mega Cred, the drink is being thrown and squished on the ground] | |
Give me the Cred! | |
[A child holding several bottles of Mega Cred is being pushed off of the display, before falling down] Ah! Ah! | |
[another child runs to a lone bottle of Mega Cred, while several other children follow in pursuit of the bottle] There's some, right there! [the child is hit with a shopping cart] Ah! | |
It's gone! It's all gone! | |
[Spencer’s mother is outside in the car on her phone, Spencer runs out of the building with several bottles of Cred] Mom! | |
Spencer? | |
Start the car! Start the car! | |
Jesus Christ! | |
Start the fucking car, Mom! | |
Spencer's getting away with the Cred! [Spencer gets in the car, as it is seen driving off] No! | |
Influencer Talent Agency. Randy is sat down with the receptionist going over his views. | |
Well, these are extremely impressive numbers. It looks like your content's getting a lot of views online. | |
Yeah, thanks. But you see, what I'm trying to learn now is how to take all the views I'm getting on like Instagram and stuff and use them to make myself bigger. | |
Well, we can help you with that. You know, to really succeed, you gotta ask yourself: What is it that you want to achieve as an influencer? | |
Well, what I really want to do is beat my wife. | |
You want to beat your wife? | |
I mean, don't we all? | |
I-I don't understand, you want to beat your wife on Instagram? | |
I want to beat her on Instagram, I want to beat her on TikTok, but mostly I want to beat the shit out of her on OnlyFans and make a lot of money doing it. | |
Hmm. Okay, well, if you can get the kids to watch then we can find you a sponsor. Organizations will do anything to reach kids these days. | |
Oh, yeah, yeah, but, see, my content actually isn't suitable for children. | |
Right. I mean, the data shows kids aren't the main audience for any of this stuff, right? | |
Right. | |
Right. Mr. Marsh, the thing is, a sponsor not only gets you cash but they also help you push that algorithm so that their message is heard through you. | |
Oh, really? | |
Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of companies that want to pay you to show your videos to "not kids." [Randy pulls out a notepad and pen, and begins writing down notes] But what we want to do is get these sponsors to bid against each other for your audience. That's when you become a big influencer. And then you can beat your wife as much as you want. | |
Wow. | |
CVS Pharmacy. Clyde is laying face-down on the floor of the building. He wakes up and begins to look around the deserted building, shelves are knocked over and items are scattered around the ground. Some children are seen lying down on the ground with blood, who are presumably dead. Others are jammed in between shelves and objects. Near the Beverages section, we see a makeshift fire made out of cardboard, with Eric toasting a strawberry Pop-Tart on a stick, Butters lying down beneath a set of newspapers, and Tweek looking for the lasting bottles of Mega Cred. | |
There's nothing. Just two more broken Cred bottles. And a couple of cans of SpaghettiOs. [Tweek grabs a can opener, and begins to open a can on SpaghettiOs while on a milk crate. | |
I don't think I can go back. | |
Go back to what? Spencer Hollis has all the Cred now. Tomorrow, he'll start his own affinity group and not let any of us in. | |
Don't you guys think this is all fucked up? | |
Yeah, fucked up 'cause of you. | |
No, I mean what they're doing to us. Look at this. My influencer told me to come down here. He knew there wasn't gonna be enough Cred for everyone. It's like– It's like they wanted to create this false scarcity. Give all us kids FOMO. | |
If anyone's a FOMO, Clyde, it's you. | |
You guys aren't listening. We've been manipulated. If kids are willing to fight and die over this, then what else would they be willing to fight and die over? Nobody in school cared about hydration drinks | |
So, maybe if we find your influencer, then he can give us Cred? | |
No! | |
No, no, no. I like your angle, Clyde. Maybe this whole thing is a sham. If we can make the whole thing look stupid, then we make a Cred affinity group look stupid. Then Spencer Hollis will have nothing to keep us out of. | |
I just know there's more to all this than we think. I know what town my influencer lives in. I want some goddamn answers. | |
[Eric gets off of the case of water he was previously sitting on] Tweek, Butters, gather up all the Pop-Tarts and SpaghettiOs you can. We move out at oh-ninety-two-hundred. | |
Influencer Auction reception room. A receptionist is working at a desk on a clipboard. Randy walks into the room. | |
Can I help you? | |
Yeah, hi, I'm a big influencer? My agent sent me here to find a sponsor? | |
Name. | |
Uh, Randy Marsh? [the woman begins writing down his name] It's with five Rs because there was already a Randy Marsh on TikTok. | |
[the receptionist grabs a sign with the number “427” and gives it to Randy] Put this around your neck. Through that door and wait with the other influencers. | |
Oh, okay, thanks. [Randy walks onto a stage with several other influencers, each with a sign around their neck] | |
Okay, influencers, follow me, stand in a straight line and step forward when your number is called. [the influencers are brought out to the front of the stage, the lights are activated, and a bidder in a light blue outfit walks towards a podium, there are several tables with a different sponsor at each table | |
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We have some incredible influencers available today. They are all complete freelancers and looking for sponsors. First off, we have influencer number 394 This is BlinkyBlankyGirl. [a woman moves to the front of the stage] She has over 10,000 views on Instagram, 6,800 on TikTok and is up-and-coming on Meta and X. Who would like to own this influencer? We'll start the bidding at 20. 20, do I hear 20? There's 20. Do I hear 25, 25? Let's hear 25, 25, 30. [the bidder begins to babble, although it is utterly gibberish] 25 from Mattel Toys. Mattel Toys now the highest bidder at 25. 25, who's gonna go for 30? 30, 30. [gibberish]30! 30 from Lunchables! Let's go 50. 50 now, who wants the influencer? 50, 50. [gibberish] | |
100! | |
100! 100 from the Chinese government! Can we go 150? 150? [gibberish] 150, 150, yes! Stoli Vodka at 150. 150, the current bid from Stoli Vodka. What about you, Build-A-Bear? Do we hear from Build-A-Bear? [gibberish] 160! 160 from the NRA, outbidding Stoli Vodka. Who wants to influence the youngins more? [gibberish] 170 from Voices for Ukraine. Don't let them outbid you, Russia. No? Chinese government? No? [the bidder hits a gallet against the podium] Sold to Voices for Ukraine. Thank you. | |
[the woman is then taken off-stage] I don't understand what happened. | |
Just keep making your stupid videos, they'll tell you what to say. | |
Okay, next up we have influencer number 226. This is Kevinlovesoranges. [a man moves to the front of the stage] Over six million views on TikTok, 4,600 on Instagram and a small following on X and Meta. Who wants Kevinlovesoranges to push their agenda? We'll start at 40, 40. China in at 40, China at 40. Who's gonna go 50? Russia with 50. [gibberish] 55, 60, Big Pharma at 60. [gibberish] Kellogg's Cereal. [gibberish] Ravenclaw Casinos. [gibberish] Influence the children. Can I hear 70? Last call for 70. [brief gibberish, the bidder then hits a gallet against the podium] Sold to the Canadian government, congratulations. [the man is then taken off-stage] Our next influencer, number 427. This is Randy Marrrrrsh. [Randy moves to the front of the stage] We'll start the bidding at 50. 50, do I hear 50? 50? [gibberish, progressively slows down] 50? No? Come on, Mattel Toys. Let's hear from you. How about 40? 40? How about 40, let's do 40? [gibberish, progressively slows down] | |
Freeze! Nobody move! two sets of FBI personnel burst open the exit doors and in their way into the room, the sponsors make their way out, followed by the bidder, as the agents make their way to Randy] | |
Up here! He's up here! | |
Are you Randy Marrrrrsh? | |
Yeah? | |
All right, we got him. Hands behind your back. | |
Me? I didn't do anything. I'm just trying to beat my wife. [the agent chokes Randy] | |
On your knees! Hands behind your back now! | |
Motel 2½. Clyde knocks on the door of room 202, the other boys are behind him. | |
Hello? Logan? Hello? We know you're in there. [the lock clicks, Logan partially opens the door with the chain lock attached] | |
Go away. I'm in enough trouble as it is. | |
Look, dude, we just want to talk to you, okay? | |
No, not okay. I'm in hiding. How did you guys find me? | |
[Clyde takes out his phone, he shows Logana selfie of himself outside of the building] Dude, if you're in hiding, you shouldn't probably post videos of yourself at the motel you're hiding in. | |
Shit. Shit, I just can't help myself. [the door closes, Eric then knocks on the door] | |
Brah, we need to know the truth about Cred. | |
[Logan pulls the curtains open] I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to cause a riot. [the curtains are pulled] | |
Did Cred want us all to kill each other? | |
[Logan briefly pulls the curtains open, before closing them] If you found me, then so can they. Just go. | |
Okay, okay, fine, Mr. Influencer, we'll leave. [Butters begins to walk away from the door, before charging into it, opening the door in the process, he lets out a brief shout] Yeah. | |
-Yeah. | |
What the fuck are you doing? | |
Where's the Cred? You got some Cred? [Logan closes the door which was left wide open] | |
Butters, Butters, calm down. | |
[Logan shuts the curtains fully, preventing any visibility of the inside of the room, he then briefly pulls a curtain back to check outside]They're gonna take me out, man. I should just turn myself in. I'll be safer in jail. | |
Listen, dude, I went to Pueblo 'cause of you. Why did you tell us we could get Mega Cred when you knew there wasn't enough? | |
Brah, I don't even drink that crap. Don't you get it, man? I'm just this tiny little piece of a very big lie. You guys are all being manipulated. | |
I trusted you. I've watched all your videos, and you told me to be strong and never give up. That's all just Cred messing with me? | |
Don't you get it? I don't work for Cred. The Cred is just there to get views, man. 'Cause kids love it so much. | |
But if Cred isn't your sponsor, then-then who is? | |
If you knew, it would make you sick. | |
They just use you and Cred to get to us, and those higher-up people can get us some limited-edition Cred? Who has the Cred? | |
Butters, Jesus. | |
Federal Bureau of Investigation. Randy is under arrest and is detained when agents are looking over his OnlyFans account. Sharon arrives. | |
Oh, there-there she is. Hey, Sharon. This is my wife, Sharon. She's an OnlyFans model just like me. We are both legally supplementing our income. | |
So you work with your husband, ma'am? | |
No, we have very different OnlyFans accounts. I could never do what he does. | |
Thanks, honey, it's nice for you to finally admit it. Now I'd like to know what I'm being detained for. | |
Exposing children to pornography, soliciting nude images to a minor, child endangerment... | |
Oh, come on, like it's just me? Everybody's doing it. There's an entire network where everyone just pretends Internet platforms aren't made for children but they all auction our kids to the highest bidder. | |
You seem like some kind of influencer expert. Would you say these things on record? | |
No, 'cause I'm a sovereign citizen, and I don't need to tell you anything. [blows raspberry directed towards the investigator] | |
Randy, you need to cooperate. | |
Why? | |
[the investigator gets out of his chair, and goes over to Randy] I'll tell you why, scumbag. Your posts drew in a lot of children, and they like to copy what they see. So then kids started creating their own erotic content based on yours. | |
What? | |
That's right. We've just found sexuality explicit, pornographic images of minors. I warn you, what you are about to see is extremely disturbing and graphic. [the investigator plays a slideshow of miners partaking in erotic behavior] | |
Oh, God. Ugh. | |
Oh, don't close your eyes now. You think these miners deserved to be treated like this? [the slideshow continues] | |
What have I done? I had no idea. | |
Randy, you knew kids were watching your content. | |
Yeah, but I never knew it would lead to... pornographic images of miners. God, it's disgusting. Being an influencer is disgusting. All right, I'm gonna tell you everything I know about how the system works. This has to stop. | |
Motel 2½. Loganis recording a video vlogging how he is forced to be on the run due to how he will be either arrested or killed | |
Hey, what's up, guys? Just wanted to let you all know that I think maybe I'm gonna get killed or arrested, so I'm hiding out in this motel room. Be sure to like and subscribe. It really helps the channel out. | |
Dude, will you stop making videos? | |
I don't know what else to do, okay? [Logan closes his laptop, and begins to walk over to the window] All I've ever done is make fucking videos. | |
But for who? You said it wasn't for Cred, so then who sponsors you? | |
I just wanted to be a big influencer. [Logan constantly looks outside his curtains, before walking away from the window] So I got put on this stage and I was auctioned off to the highest bidder. People will pay anything to push their agenda on you guys. | |
What, you mean, like, the Chinese government or something? | |
I'm sponsored by people worse than the Chinese government. I can't tell you who they are, because then the companies that run the whole system will have me killed. | |
We deserve to know who's been manipulating us. Tell us the truth and we'll make sure you're safe, okay? | |
You promise? | |
Yes, we promise. | |
Fine. The truth is, I'm being paid by... [Logan is then shot, the sound of a gunshot can be heard as his body is thrown against the floor, as he lets out a grunt] | |
Whoops! [the assassin reloads their gun, before shooting into the room again, the boys instinctively move away from the window and get down on the ground as they scream] | |
Okay, okay. We don't care who's trying to influence us! [the assassin continues to fire into the room as the sound of sirens can be surrounding the building the assassin is shooting from] | |
The game is up, scumbag. We know about the whole operation. [the investigator pulls out a megaphone] We know everything. The influencers are being paid by organizations to knowingly influence children. | |
[the assassin pulls out a megaphone]The data shows that consumers of social media platforms are predominately adults over 21. | |
[megaphone] Oh, come on. Within tech companies, it's an open secret that millions of users are actually under the age of 13. | |
[megaphone]Tech companies are working diligently to find ways to make the Internet safer for children, but these methods are often criticized for violating free speech. | |
[megaphone] Okay, and tech companies use those assertions and their endless cash to keep regulations tied up in court so they can continue to profit off of our kids. | |
[megaphone] Okay, well, you'll never take me alive, copper. [the assassin reaches for his gun, and begins to shoot towards the officers, however the assassin is then shot which results in them falling from the roof of the building for the sidewalk, the officers make their way towards the assassin ] | |
He's still alive. Let's get City General out here. [the boys make their way over to the assassin] | |
Who do you work for? Who's trying to influence me? [the investigator removes the head mask from the assassin] | |
[gibberish, the announcer presumably succumbs to his injuries] | |
He's just the middleman, kids. Whoever was trying to influence you is still a mystery. | |
South Park. The boys get off of the South Park City Transit bus while it is stopped outside of a South Park Transit bus stop. They then begin to walk down the sidewalk. | |
Hey, fellas, I got an idea. How about we just keep our affinity group, but instead of it being about Cred, it's just about how proud we are of who we are. | |
No, they won't let us do that, Butters, 'cause we're white. White people can't be in groups talking about how proud they are, it doesn't fly. | |
Dang it. Well, then, I guess we just got to accept that we're gonna go to school tomorrow and get totally boned. | |
Yep. | |
[the boys overhear Randy and Sharon throwing away bags of Cred into a garbage dumpster] Hey, look, you guys. It's Cred. [the boys begin to approach Randy] | |
Mr. Marsh? What are you doing with all that Cred? | |
I'm putting it where it belongs, in the garbage. | |
But that's, like, Jelly Roll Midnight Waffle House. Do you know what that's worth? | |
Yeah, I know what it's worth. It's worth gold to all the people in the world who want to use social media to influence children. But there's more to life than making money. And there's more to marriage than just beating your wife. The bottom line is that all this social media influencer garbage is not suitable for children. And if you're a kid on social media, you have to know that someone is always trying to get to you. All you have to do is ask yourself, "Who is it that wants to influence me the most?" | |
[shocked] Holy shit. | |
Donovan Residence. Clyde has just arrived back home, he opens the front door | |
Janice! [he steps inside, before slamming the front door shut] | |
Oh, Clyde, where have you been? We've been worried sick. | |
It was you, this whole time. You've been trying to influence me for months. | |
Clyde, you really should have let your father know where you were... | |
You've been paying an influencer to try and reach me, and you caused this whole fucking mess! | |
What is this about, Janice? | |
I don't think people understand how hard it is to be a stepmom. You want to try and teach your kids, but they don't listen because you're not their "real parent." I just wanted to be a good influence on you, Clyde. But influencing kids these days requires good lighting and a quality microphone. | |
But why Cred? If you're so against it, then why have it in all those videos? | |
That was just to get your views, Clyde. Your views are so important to me, because we never talk. Maybe what I did was all a bit much, but look at us. Here we are, talking. | |
Janice, can I call you "Mom"? | |
Yes, of course. | |
Fuck you, Mom! [Janice gasps, Clyde then makes his way up the stairs, Roger then goes over to Janice and the two wrap their arms around each other] | |
[exhales] Oh... | |
South Park Elementary. Children are scattered around with their own bottles of Cred. The school bell then rings as Spencer walks past Stan and Kyle with several bottles of Mega Cred. | |
Whoa, Spencer, is that Mega Cred? | |
Yeah, pretty cool, right? | |
"Pretty cool"? How'd you get that? | |
Oh, I just went to this thing in Pueblo. No big deal. | |
[Eric, Butters, and Tweek walk down the hallway] Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [children begin to surround the boys] We have something really important to tell you guys. Tweek and Butters and I have learned a lot of things recently. We have news that you will all find shocking. You see, we talked to Mr. Marsh, and he gave us four bottles of Jelly Roll Midnight Waffle House. [all of the children gasp in response, and make their way closer to the boys] No, no, no. Back up. This is for the Cred affinity group only. | |
You can look at our Cred, but don't touch. | |
All right! | |
[Clyde walks over to Eric] Oh, oh, hey, Clyde. Say, Clyde, you, uh, forgot your super special Jelly Roll Cred at the group meeting, remember? [Eric gives Clyde a bottle of the Cred. Clyde pauses for a moment, he takes off the cap from the bottle, and drinks the bottle of Cred] | |
It tastes amazing. [all of the children begin to cheer] | |
All right! | |
Yeah! Clyde's got Cred again! [the children continue to cheer, as the camera pans away from the boys, to outside of South Park Elementary] | |
南方公园(少儿不宜) 结束 |